Never good enough

[010207]

Ok, so I'm kind of just journaling here, but feedback is always welcome.

I found myself in an Ok place tonight. H previously had melanoma and can no longer tan which is a huge disappointment to him considering who he is. So of course tonight he asked for help putting on his self tanner.

I felt like I had a better chance of him seeing positive things if we were on positive speaking terms so I said since we're being decent to each other I feel I can tell you that this has to stop. This coldness between us isn't helping.

He agreed and said I don't hate you. I'm not even angry with you but you were mad and this is what happened. I told him I was hurt. He said I thought when we talked months ago you knew this was coming but looking back I know I left you feeling like we were going to work on things. And maybe I did work on it, but I realized that I'm 40 something and don't want to have the ups and downs in our marriage. I refrained from saying every marriage has them and just agreed instead.

I said some of the things I've written here using "I". I felt unworthy. I felt unwanted and i felt unloved. I got up every morning just to get through the day and this helped me realize that I'm better than that.

He said he knows and apologized if he played any role in that. He said he told me all the things that bothered him and since I didn't do anything to change for him, he felt unloved and as though he didn't matter enough to me to bother trying. I just nodded and listened.

He in fact did tell me, but in nasty ways and I was hurt and angry each and every time. Just another way I wasn't good enough. And he's right, I never made a real effort.

He finally said the ILBNILWY and that he firmly believes once it's gone, it's gone. We talked about some financial things and I asked if we could just postpone things for a few months to get our debt in order. He said no. After a few minutes I finally said I think I've had enough for one night we can talk some more later.

Part of me feels better, on a better footing. The other part is dying.