Long time lurker

[Hazy]

Jeep- yes, we are still LEGALLY married but not tied to each other anymore as husband and wife in the marital sense. It's pure financial. I'm able to keep his insurances, etc. It does suck for me that he has introduced a GF to one of my Ds BUT it has been three years. I'm not making excuses for him, just a fact. I wish this wasn't the case.

Gordie - Thanks Gordie for recognizing my efforts. I've been in my own fog for too long. I read somewhere, that everyone's timeline is different for clearing their head and pulling up their bootstraps in order to move forward. I think this is what has finally happened with me. I can't believe it's been three years. Him introducing her has crossed a boundary for me. Somehow it has made it real that he's not choosing me. And I don't want my Ds to think that I'm weak (I'm not even sure if that's the right word I want to use) I haven't spoken a lot with him. He doesn't like this. He says nothing has changed and I shouldn't show him any less attention. Obviously I don't agree. I did go and have dinner with him Saturday night. He called and asked and I accepted. The only reason I did was because I said no to two previous requests and going by the LRT it states to accept some invitations but not all. We did have a nice dinner but I made sure to leave early.

It - thank you for acknowledging that I'm going through a rough time. It actually brought me to tears because I put on such a strong front to everyone. Friends know my situation and have been there for me but it's hard for me to to tell people I'm still struggling. I have been GAL just recently. I actually invited a lot of friends over for dinner and wine and we had lots of laughs. I've been going out more with my D to bookstores, thrift stores, etc. just to get out of the house. And I have made sure to see a few sunrises and sunsets which I love taking photos of. My contribution to our separation was honestly not being secure with myself. I was very untrusting for absolutely no reason. I argued a lot and challenged him a lot about anything. He is the type of man that likes to be in charge of his household. And I challenged him with almost every decision because I felt like he was trying to be controlling. I have finally realized through lots and lots of reading and soul searching that the reason I was/am like this is because I felt unlovable. So what was wrong with him that he loved me so much. He had to be faking or very conniving and making a fool out of me. I made these stories up in my mind because of rejection I felt growing up. I have not seemed counseling yet, however, that is my next step.