Well as it was suggested that I move myself over here from newcomers I think this is a good move for me
I have been stuck in a rut for way too long and I really hope that this new forum will be my place to come when I need to vent and move myself ever forward
It is funny in the 19 months that it has taken me to get here I really feel that I have started to understand relationships a heck of a lot more
One area that I want to work on is my own insecurity and my fear of letting go of someone
I question why I cannot let go of my fear that my W would want to have male friends this has always been an area that I have struggled with scared that she would leave me and meet someone else.
In my last post I mentioned that she has been pm with a guy and really ...I do not know why I even bother about this any longer.
She will do what ever she wants to do in exactly the same way that when I get into a new relationship my next partner will be free to make her own choices.
I want to be happy and most of married life I have been happy at times selfishly putting my own needs first over my family and lessons have been learnt
I am a good man
So my goals for 2017
Loose more weight get my fat ass back to the gym and on a healthy eating program
Join a slimming group for motivation and never know I might and probably will make new friends
My house has been valued but no interest in it we do need to secure the best price so am in no rush
So at the moment still inhouse separation and my W is mostly acting pleasent and this is what,perhaps makes it harder for me to detach if she clearly hated me then moving forward would be easier
It just at time feels we are still in a relationship all be it without intimacy ...is this a relationship or is this an existence ? Do people not live in sexless relationships ...sheesh I am 47 and have 4 kids is sex the be all ...I just miss the affection
Well I hope that I can get to know more,of the MLC forum users
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-62, D30,S29
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Changing forum is not a magic solution and will not change anything unless you do too. Here are some wonderful people with some long stories. I came here to be amongst others who have stood longer than me. To be inspired to keep going and to dig deeper. I am glad I moved here and feel more at home here. I hope you do too.
Did you ever check out ForeverYoungs threads as I suggested a few months ago. He stayed at home with a W that was done and wanted a D. Slowly very slowly things improved. They are not 100% yetbut recently started MC to work on it.FY took 5 years to reach this stage. I find that incredible but daunting.
There are others here too who have incredible stories. Check them out yourself.
Now back to you. I don't like how you state your goals.You undermine yourself in each one. Rework your goals to S.M.A.R.T. Specific Measurable Achievable Results oriented/ Realistic Timed / trackable And state them in the positive .
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Hi job thank you for the post I have started re reading a lot of this information and keep trying to understand things
In many ways I believe my W is in MLC however a lot of her pain and anger stems from years of resentment that she now would label as emotional abuse, caused by many things ranging from me not pulling my weight with the children,for years and me not doing my share of the house work to her feeling controlled as I was jealous when she wanted to go out I would question her as to who she is seeing so over time she stopped going out leading to more resentment
When I did not help her enough she would try to tell me I am not doing enough but I did not truly hear her sadness and tho I tried to do more I never managed to do enough
I would love to keep our family together and work on a better relationship however this is what I have been doing for the past 19 months and yet she still says I am not doing enough and I suspect I never will be able to.
I still try and show her I care about her and the children I sometimes buy gifts (wrong) but I want her to know how sorry I am that things did not work out.
She is very private with her phone and her iPad locking me out (we are separated after all) and this makes me curious if she now goes out she does not tell me where she is going and I cannot ask again this makes my mind race as to what she is doing and who she may be seeing . Her best friend is also going through a separation and no doubt and I strongly believe she is also telling my W how wonderful it is now she has met a new guy and I know my W has been pm a guy ( she showed me a pm from one of our children and under this it shows the recent pm she ha been having and one is from a guy she has met when she has been going out who is also friends with her friends)
I do not believe that my W is in a PA tho her emotional needs are being met from her female friends and her many Facebook friends.
I wanted to do enough so that we could fix things but even if she turned arround tomorrow and said ...you know what I want to give us about her go ...I am 100% sure that at some point in the not so near future I would do something to let her down and this would be enough to trigger her thoughts that she was right all along and why did she give me another chance.
Even tho I know this ...I still do not want to let go of what ....my marriage means to me and the thought that I will see my children less ....much less
So I try to work out a plan I try and work out is she really a MLC or is it something else what things could I possibly do to help her to reconnect perhaps this is how it has to be
I read an article that over 50 percent of marriages end in divorce over half...and these are the ones that divorce ....others separate and do not divorce let's call this a further 30% then you have spouses who sadly pass away a further 15% And then the ones who stay together for all the wrong reasons in a violent and abusive relationship through fear of leaving say 3% meaning that in reality only 2% of the most perfect marriages and relationships stay together is this really the case ???
So perhaps me hanging on to what I had and not being able to let go is an abusive trait.
Yet I still want to stand
I want to write to her probably tell her most of what I wrote here but posting here has to be a better option ...she knows how I feel about her I cannot stop her making her decisions and what happens ..will happen
My sister is pushing me to get the house valued I am looking at property in Devon this is close to my sister and my mum my two older children would love to be living there my wife has said she will be the main career of our youngest and second youngest ....but being 3 hrs ish away from where my W will live with my other two children how do I live with that.
If I do not move forward on the property in Devon that my older children like then I will loose it I nearly lost it over Christmas it was taken off the market and my older children let me know how unhappy they were ......
So I find myself between a rock and a hard place ...part of me wants to muddle along not having relationship conversations living in the same house in a loveless marriage ....I do get to see our children and be there for them every night so my W can do off and do a night shift
I want to feel the love that I used to feel ..yet when I look closely I can see that her love was not without conditions and had not been for years ...yet I still felt it as love from her to me
Deep,down I do not believe she will ever change her mind or reconsider building a new relationship built on love and intimacy trust and honesty yet still I cannot let go
I do not know where to turn or what to do for the best I believe any best willnow just be a compromise to some form of happiness.
So this is where I find myself and I do not want to be unhappy 2017 has to be a better year but how
Months I changed my name here to AtPeace I am far from peace
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Iwanted to do enough so that we could fix things but even if she turned arround tomorrow and said ...you know what I want to give us about her go ...I am 100% sure that at some point in the not so near future I would do something to let her down and this would be enough to trigger her thoughts that she was right all along and why did she give me another chance.
Hi Ghost.
Reread the above paragraph. What does that tell you about you?
Often. Very often, in your postings here YOU put YOURSELF down. If you don't like or value yourself, others won't either. I urge you to start working on that. There are loads of resources on the internet that could help.
Learn to know YOU Learn to respect YOU Learn what YOU want Learn what YOU like When you know these four things, you will be in a much better place to achieve other goals. But knowing these things is not enough. You must act and live them.
I live in a loveless M. I know how you feel. It does succk. But and it is a BIG BUT, you are living an in-house separation not a loveless M. You don't have to like this. You don't have to agree to it. It is a reality and you do have to accept it. Accept it and trust that the best and probably only way to save your M is to let it go. This is about doing what works.
Just to repeat another phrase often mentioned as a pillar of dbing is your W needs TIME and SPACE.
I feel that you are on the brink of a breakthrough in your thinking.let your thinking change. When you think differently you will DO differently and that is when real change can happen
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Yeah, you do of put yourself down. You also seem to think the kids won't want you if you don't get a particular house in Devon. I'm sure your kids truly love you, so I don't think they will care if you don't get a particular property.
OK, so you're moving ahead. I fully understand your fears about seeing your children. Don't listen to all that nonsense about skype and all that, it's no match for physical engagement.
Don't judge your M on statistics. Everyone is different and statistics can be manipulated to suit a particular argument. I also feel your pain about her talking to/seeing OM. Read what job has sent you about this meaning nothing. Yeah, it's gonna hurt, but if your W is truly in MLC (I think you've been too close to her to see it yet) it's just a stepping stone.
Well done - it's been a bit of a marathon so far. Don't fall in the last furlong.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I really could not say if it is a MLC or A WAW i am not even sure that it really matters she was abused as a child and her mum left her dad got custody of the children then 4 years ago we nearly split up she thought I wanted more in the bedroom so sex was non stop for a couple of weeks and she fell pregnant she felt trapped
So 18 months on I am still in house with her she is saying more and more often that we have to sell the house as she wants to live in separate houses but she has not done anything about it yet I believe that she is waiting for two years to pass so she can file a non fault divorce
Why is it right now I feel a broken man I feel that there is nothing whatsoever I can do she has all the power and the control, the only way that I can take some of this back is to start the ball rolling with the sale of the house go very [censored] dark in house but not talk to her I [censored] hate her right now for what she has done the decision that she made that will result in me seeing my daughter less and y youngest son less
I do not want to be anywhere near her in the morning when she comes back home ...how can I be nice to her when right now I feel she has destroyed me because of her decision
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
how can I be nice to her when right now I feel she has destroyed me because of her decision?
I have asked myself this same question many times. And only you know your situation and yourself enough to answer. A friend gave me an answer that really helped. Treat her with the same compassion that you would if she had a physical illness, though this is a mental one. For better or worse?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
