Wife has filed for divorce

[ngs]

Thank you, all of your post was spot on...and I'm learning a lot of this now from my wife because since she filed for divorce these things are coming out when she just buried everything in the past.

Just because you had a "WTF" moment, doesn't mean that she has to also at the same time.

Yes she has told me a few times over that last 4 years that "she can't just flip a switch" so exactly what you are saying.

It coms down to control. The majority of your marriage was under YOUR control. You decided to act the way you did irregardless of whether or not it hurt others and having an affair is the ULTIMATE form of control.

Financially I always realized I was controlling because we were single family income, never realized I was controlling on our entire marriage, I felt like she did things that she wanted to do however those were things for our family that she did, not doing things for herself for fear that I wouldn't be happy about it.

And I never thought of the affairs as controlling, just realizing how controlling I have been all these years and reading your post is making me more aware of that. I have been controlling with my actions, my anger, my own unhappiness with myself.

Your wife went through guilt through both thinking there was something wrong with her. Now she feels empowered and finally in control of her own life as opposed to you pulling the strings. Is there really any wonder why she wants to get away?

I am resigned to going through with the divorce, I have realized it is inevitable. She does feel in control of her own life now but won't feel in complete control until the divorce is final and everything is settled. We will still be living together for sometime after that however because she will still not be financially independent.

You have to be sympathetic and understanding and show true remorse in a way that she accepts.

This is where I'm lost and my biggest struggle because I feel as though no matter how I act or what I do she is just angry either way, however I have gotten better at sandi's rules and after she unloaded again on me about a week ago and we just finished our pre-trial conference last week and told the kids we are getting a divorce things have been calmer, she seems a little less irritated being around me. After the pre-trial we went out for drinks and food, she asked me if I wanted to, we had a decent time...might be the last time we do that together.

I think the only way I can show sympathy, understanding and true remorse is through acceptance of the divorce as being what needs to happen for her to begin to heal and be happy.

Next step in our process is meeting with a mediator in a few weeks.

Thanks again Mr. Bond for your insight.