Well here I am looking forwards

[ATPeace]

Hi job thank you for the post I have started re reading a lot of this information and keep trying to understand things

In many ways I believe my W is in MLC however a lot of her pain and anger stems from years of resentment that she now would label as emotional abuse, caused by many things ranging from me not pulling my weight with the children,for years and me not doing my share of the house work to her feeling controlled as I was jealous when she wanted to go out I would question her as to who she is seeing so over time she stopped going out leading to more resentment

When I did not help her enough she would try to tell me I am not doing enough but I did not truly hear her sadness and tho I tried to do more I never managed to do enough

I would love to keep our family together and work on a better relationship however this is what I have been doing for the past 19 months and yet she still says I am not doing enough and I suspect I never will be able to.

I still try and show her I care about her and the children I sometimes buy gifts (wrong) but I want her to know how sorry I am that things did not work out.

She is very private with her phone and her iPad locking me out (we are separated after all) and this makes me curious if she now goes out she does not tell me where she is going and I cannot ask again this makes my mind race as to what she is doing and who she may be seeing
.
Her best friend is also going through a separation and no doubt and I strongly believe she is also telling my W how wonderful it is now she has met a new guy and I know my W has been pm a guy ( she showed me a pm from one of our children and under this it shows the recent pm she ha been having and one is from a guy she has met when she has been going out who is also friends with her friends)

I do not believe that my W is in a PA tho her emotional needs are being met from her female friends and her many Facebook friends.

I wanted to do enough so that we could fix things but even if she turned arround tomorrow and said ...you know what I want to give us about her go ...I am 100% sure that at some point in the not so near future I would do something to let her down and this would be enough to trigger her thoughts that she was right all along and why did she give me another chance.

Even tho I know this ...I still do not want to let go of what ....my marriage means to me and the thought that I will see my children less ....much less

So I try to work out a plan I try and work out is she really a MLC or is it something else what things could I possibly do to help her to reconnect perhaps this is how it has to be

I read an article that over 50 percent of marriages end in divorce over half...and these are the ones that divorce ....others separate and do not divorce let's call this a further 30% then you have spouses who sadly pass away a further 15% And then the ones who stay together for all the wrong reasons in a violent and abusive relationship through fear of leaving say 3% meaning that in reality only 2% of the most perfect marriages and relationships stay together is this really the case ???

So perhaps me hanging on to what I had and not being able to let go is an abusive trait.

Yet I still want to stand

I want to write to her probably tell her most of what I wrote here but posting here has to be a better option ...she knows how I feel about her I cannot stop her making her decisions and what happens ..will happen

My sister is pushing me to get the house valued I am looking at property in Devon this is close to my sister and my mum my two older children would love to be living there my wife has said she will be the main career of our youngest and second youngest ....but being 3 hrs ish away from where my W will live with my other two children how do I live with that.

If I do not move forward on the property in Devon that my older children like then I will loose it I nearly lost it over Christmas it was taken off the market and my older children let me know how unhappy they were ......

So I find myself between a rock and a hard place ...part of me wants to muddle along not having relationship conversations living in the same house in a loveless marriage ....I do get to see our children and be there for them every night so my W can do off and do a night shift

I want to feel the love that I used to feel ..yet when I look closely I can see that her love was not without conditions and had not been for years ...yet I still felt it as love from her to me

Deep,down I do not believe she will ever change her mind or reconsider building a new relationship built on love and intimacy trust and honesty yet still I cannot let go

I do not know where to turn or what to do for the best I believe any best willnow just be a compromise to some form of happiness.

So this is where I find myself and I do not want to be unhappy 2017 has to be a better year but how

Months I changed my name here to AtPeace I am far from peace


Ghost