Hey Blu, as one of the people who have actually been able to have another opportunity with their W'S, I follow youp threads closely. I get where you are coming from with wishing you had done things different, as I do as well (although my W hasn't come back to me yet). Do you think that what you are feeling is resentment? Is it that you are unable to forgive yourself for not standing up for you when it was all going down? Or is it that Hernandez is still exhibiting some of the same behaviors as before? I am wondering because my W seems to be stuck in a terrible combination of the past and her own version of reality.
Hi Melo. Thanks for reading and commenting. I like your questions because they challenge me to think about my sitch more. It's much easier to see things in other people's sitches than our own, isn't it.
Do I think what I am feeling is resentment? Probably. Partly I resent H for what he put me through. And what it did to our R (now) and the affect on the kids then. However, I have also come to understand how it happened and that it was a mistake. I just have this sense that I won't fully forgive him and so I need to figure out over time if I can live with that. Can I fall in love again with someone that hurt me in the worst way? Only time will tell.
Am I not able to forgive myself for not standing up for myself during our sitch? No, quite the opposite actually. I stood up for myself. I fought hard and at times was a royal B1TC#! I actually would text him that I hated him, that he made me sick, and that I wish he had never come into my life. Sigh. Not proud of that, but at least I stayed true to myself. Other times I just kept healthy distance and had firm boundaries. I screwed up a lot and was an emotional disaster. I think I have forgiven myself for those mistakes. I think forgiving HIM is where my issue lies. )I have trouble respecting any man that cheats on his wife with her friend and then leaves her and his kids. Even though I understand how it can happen, it still disgusts me.)
When you ask if Hernandez is still exhibiting some of the same behaviors as before, I assume you mean my husband? I don't know a Hernandez. lol. My H has changed in several ways. He is not the same as he was during the A or when we were separated. That was a dark time for him and he was lost, selfish, and terribly ashamed. He was sort of running scared--I was lashing out left/right--and OW was the snake that was lurking around every corner waiting on opportunities.
He has been through therapy, read books, self reflected, and he is trying to make positives changes in himself and the M. I do see that he has changed. I do trust him. I know that he loves me and the kids and regrets everything.... Can I fully forgive him or learn to love him again without full forgiveness is where I get stuck.
When we are left behind, we long for our partner back and feel so scared and hopeless. When they come back, and after everything settles down, then we have to make the hard choices.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
