Thanks for the great feedback on one of the ultimate questions of the universe!

I do understand the patience of Job now. I think I may have it, although it is wearing thin these days.

God only gives you what you can handle I tend not to believe. My mother couldn't handle what God gave her and she killed herself. She couldn't handle her mental illness and the curveballs and awful childhood and she ended her own life. Not out of weakness or her perception, but she had an illness that couldn't be managed.
Not be misunderstood, I am not so much asking "why me?" in the tone of self pity. More in the tone of "if there is anything in my power, something I haven't done, or something that has been done wrong, I will fix it, I will work to make it better, I will change something" in order to obtain what I am trying to achieve, or to change outcomes.

But, basically, the only thing I could do any differently is to continue my life and have patience. I admit, it's wearing thin, and I talk to God sometimes and say "I really can't handle anymore" But now that I type that, I guess I can, because I am getting it all handled somehow.

Sooooo, I had to go into my ex's home last night. And I could not believe what I saw. It is a scene out of "Hoarders". I think the expression that came over my face couldn't be mistaken. I am in shock for many reasons, one being his father was a messy hoarder and ex HATED it. My ex had a closet of a room at his house but always kept it perfect. When we moved into our own place together it was ok, except it was a little messy. Which was according to him, a lack of my housekeeping skills. He expected me to carry it all with working, school, ect. I just couldn't. But it was never bad at all.

Now I have been living on my own with a child for many years, I can see what is truly mine in that mix and own it. I am a little messy, but always clean.

But OMG. I couldn't walk through their house! You could barely see the floor, every piece of furniture was covered, there was no clear surfaces. It is clearly all her stuff (she is a book and clothes hoarder)I cannot believe my kid lives like that over there. And remember, for me to say that is huge, because I am not holly homemaker and am laid back about that stuff. the Ex looked very ashamed. You could just tell.

I almost want to say something because my daughter lives there too. But I have to really evaluate how much of a hazard it is. I tripped a few times and knocked things over because there was no where to go. I guess she is safe. And I must say, it does give me satisfaction to know my home is so much cleaner. I was so freaked I did a huge cleanout of my closests today so I can organize better.

I've been hanging out with my gym friends more. One I really get along with good, she is really cool. ANother is trying to be my bestie, but she is overly dramatic and drama makes me uncomfortable. The gym people are becoming a bit obsessive and for some reason it makes me feel uncomfortable. I enjoy it going ot the gym, keeping up with nutrition, making new friends, but I have no desire to get involved in what's going on in management at the gym. They are all into it. I just want to workout, have some fun, change my body and have some new friends. Not make it my whole life.
I also finally spent some time with my BFF who has been in a new R. I haven't really seen or really talked to her in a while. I realize how much I missed her.

Somedays I feel like I don't fit anywhere. But Maybe I just fit in a little everywhere:)

Happy Sunday, all. I'm supposed to be wirting a paper, I'd better get back to it.