Long time lurker

[Hazy]

Hello Everyone,

I feel like I know so many of you through your posts. I've been reading posts in this forum for two and half years but never posted. I think it's about time I did, so I can have someone else (besides my own inner voice) help me through this roller coaster.

Long story short...I have been separated for three years. I bought the DR book 6 months after being separated. I read it half heartedly, skipping sections that I thought only pertained to me. I was already doing all the wrong things, begging pleading, giving him too much attention. Over the course of the three years we have gone through cycles of spending a lot of time together to no contact at all for weeks at a time. He is very straight
forward with me telling me "I would rather be with you than anyone else but our arguing is not something I want in our life anymore" He still calls or texts everyday. It's usually about the kids or finances. If I don't respond within that day he says I'm seeking revenge and acting unfriendly. He dates frequently, even when he's showing me a lot of attention. I convince myself that he's not, although he is truthful when I ask and says he does talk with other women. Right now he is dating someone that he calls his "friend" BUT during on of my most frequent episodes of asking him about dating a certain woman (I was crying and not applying the DR strategies) he said he was tired of this and he had a woman he liked a lot and wanted to introduce her to our kids and she is someone he sees having in his life for a while.

A couple of weeks later he did introduce one of my kids to her. It destroyed me. But I kept my cool didn't bring it up to him and kept my distance. He finally texted me and said "I want you to see your behavior change and think of it objectively " he called and wanted
me to explain. I told him that introducing our D to his girlfriend has put things into prospective for me. That I feel like he cares about me a lot but also wants to be happy and that he deserves that in his life. He said "I don't know why you're calling her my girlfriend, that's just you trying to cause trouble"

I can't keep falling in this trap. I know he loves me and I know he would rather be home than anywhere else. I know he needs me to just "act normal" as he says and be nice and friendly. However, I'm not so sure that we are the right fit together anymore. I love him more than anything. But it's been three years and I'm tired.

I have now read the entirety of the DR book and have begun reading a few more self help books. I am beginning to GAL