Yes. I agree all of these important conversations should be face to face. Phone is second best. Right now, it seems like she's not open to these discussions, right? Back off and try with the small steps of just building a friendship where she is willing to be in your presence. It seems like you have a decent relationship with the kids. Maybe try to plan a family outing. Can you guys go to church together or to dinner or to an activity and just be civil with no R talks? Once that is safe, can you have one family meal together per week at a restaurant or at your place? From there, maybe you guys can go have a coffee together? Baby steps. No relationship talks--too stressful.
That is what I figured to do and it is nice to get some reassurance. On the W she does not even want to see me witch made Christmas horrible. The kids came over for about 2 hours and left to see other people. I quit asking her to go to church and us going out to do something. When she see me she has a face of anger towards me. She has a lot of bitterness for me. As for the kids I am seeing the more often and our R is getting better and try to take them out to dinner every so often but at their ages they are more interested in their friends and dates. I have not brought up one R talk since she moved out and have become much more validating on the phone. She will always answer my call or call me right back if she doesn't. But I have laid off of calling her as much.
I don't encourage the H to do any type of pursuit when his W is wayward. As you said, her spirit is closed to you, and the more you press her with your presence (either in body, voice, or text), the more pressure she feels from you. It actually works against drawing her back.
You said she had a PA. Is she still involved with the OM? If so, then that cancels out going anywhere together. You are no longer a WAH or WH. You are about to burst to show off your improvements, but it comes across as pursuit. You cannot pursue a WW. You cannot work on a friendship with her if she has another guy in her head! Even if you had been a rotten H........you are currently the LBH who has a WW. That's the dynamics and all the feel good fuzzies you want to do, will not change her heart when she doesn't even want to see you. She is just not ready for all those things from you.
You are in a rather difficult spot, b/c you want to prove your changes and build a better relationship with her. Although you had an affair and wasn't the best of H's and dads.....it does not change her wayward mindset. Your mindset was instantly changed when she left you. If anything, the way you immediately changed your thinking, should give you a picture of how this works. What was the turning point for you? It was when it hit you that you were losing her. She really has not experienced losing you, and you remind her every time you make contact.
The more you pursue, the more you chance her digging up bad memories that feed her anger. That's what happens when a person has a closed spirit, hardened heart, and all the rest. On the other hand, if you back off from initiating contacts and trying to persuade her to do something, she may get through her journey faster and have suffient time for her heart to soften and then more emotionally ready to pick up the pace with you. In other words, your timing is off. The two of you are not in sync. You finally "got it", but you have to wait until she "gets it". Timing is everything!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
