Yes, never rely on 'gentleman's agreements' or presume fairness will be there. Take your own due steps to ensure there is a fair and reasonable outcome.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
At least get an initial consult, many places you can get it for free. Alas WWs suffer from entitlement, in their view they have been abused and used for soooooooooo long, and now is the time for them to be happy (finally) and to get everything they want (and in their mind that is only fair) and anyone who gets in their way is an evil entity...
Don't trust them as far as you can thro them,they will stab you in the back for there own needs,don't believe any thing they say,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
So I'm back from a week in Disney World. The experience was a little surreal but extremely fun for the most part. I stayed away from the boards and anything else related to my marriage problem. And whenever my thoughts started to wander to my sitch I used a line from a silly song that my kids sing and just kept singing it out loud until I started smiling.
The surreal part was the fact that it didn't feel like there were any problems between me and my W at all. We got along fine, had fun, laughed, worked together on handling the itinerary for each day, didn't argue. And since we spent 90% of our awake time with the kids at the parks, the only uncomfortable moments were at the end of the day, once the kids were asleep.
But now I'm back and reality has set in. I spent most of yesterday morning trying to hide my tears from my family and eventually broke down in the car on my way to church (I was alone). How could we spend a week together, enjoying each other's company, laughing, and getting along well if our marriage is so far beyond repair?
My W went to work at 1:30 and I had a good day with my kids. But I have reason to believe that she lied about her whereabouts again. Her calendar showed her working until 8pm, but I have data that indicates that she left work at 5:45. And she didn't get home until 10:30. The obvious conclusion here is that she went to see OM1 or OM2 (who even knows these days it could be OM3!).
Once this became clear I started thinking about how I've had enough. That I don't know how my marriage could ever survive all of this. There are aspects of my W's behavior these days that I absolutely abhor. So even if we found a way to repair all of the damage done and rebuild the trust that has been lost, I don't even know that I like her anymore. I'd like to believe that the person I fell in love with is still in there somewhere, but I don't know if I have it in me to keep DB'ing until she comes back. Especially since it's likely that she never will come back... I mean, maybe this is the "new" her for good?
For the first time since I started posting on this board I'm starting feel that not only is saving my marriage impossible, but I'm not even sure that I want to. I've read in various sources that when you get to the point of deciding to give up, when you really think you're "done", give it another year. Use that year to ensure that you've done everything possible, that you've left no stone unturned. Use that year to become a better person for yourself even if your marriage fails because you don't want to bring any of the leftover baggage to the next relationship. Do it for your kids... exhaust every avenue to keep them from experiencing the trauma of divorce.
Ok, so all of that makes sense, but SERIOUSLY, A YEAR? I don't know if I have it in me. Besides, my W has probably already given it a year if not more. She's not making any moves towards filing for divorce because she is in a very comfortable position.
I don't know you guys (and gals), I've been going back and forth on this minute by minute today. How do you know when to give up hope? Or do you never give it up?
I guess I just need a little encouragement today...
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
***So I'm back from a week in Disney World. The experience was a little surreal but extremely fun for the most part.***
Glad you had a great time!
***I stayed away from the boards and anything else related to my marriage problem. And whenever my thoughts started to wander to my sitch I used a line from a silly song that my kids sing and just kept singing it out loud until I started smiling.***
Everything is awesome?
***The surreal part was the fact that it didn't feel like there were any problems between me and my W at all. We got along fine, had fun, laughed, worked together on handling the itinerary for each day, didn't argue. And since we spent 90% of our awake time with the kids at the parks, the only uncomfortable moments were at the end of the day, once the kids were asleep.***
Surreal. Did you sleep int he same hotel room/bed? How did you manage that?
***But now I'm back and reality has set in. I spent most of yesterday morning trying to hide my tears from my family and eventually broke down in the car on my way to church (I was alone).***
I only cry when people die, but damn, I wish I could just let it all out. Good for you.
***How could we spend a week together, enjoying each other's company, laughing, and getting along well if our marriage is so far beyond repair?***
Heartbreaking
***My W went to work at 1:30 and I had a good day with my kids. But I have reason to believe that she lied about her whereabouts again. Her calendar showed her working until 8pm, but I have data that indicates that she left work at 5:45. And she didn't get home until 10:30. The obvious conclusion here is that she went to see OM1 or OM2 (who even knows these days it could be OM3!).***
She missed him, dang.
***Once this became clear I started thinking about how I've had enough. That I don't know how my marriage could ever survive all of this. There are aspects of my W's behavior these days that I absolutely abhor. So even if we found a way to repair all of the damage done and rebuild the trust that has been lost, I don't even know that I like her anymore. I'd like to believe that the person I fell in love with is still in there somewhere, but I don't know if I have it in me to keep DB'ing until she comes back. Especially since it's likely that she never will come back... I mean, maybe this is the "new" her for good? ***
I've had these same thoughts; so hard to be the LBH.
***For the first time since I started posting on this board I'm starting feel that not only is saving my marriage impossible, but I'm not even sure that I want to. I've read in various sources that when you get to the point of deciding to give up, when you really think you're "done", give it another year. Use that year to ensure that you've done everything possible, that you've left no stone unturned. Use that year to become a better person for yourself even if your marriage fails because you don't want to bring any of the leftover baggage to the next relationship. Do it for your kids... exhaust every avenue to keep them from experiencing the trauma of divorce. Ok, so all of that makes sense, but SERIOUSLY, A YEAR? I don't know if I have it in me. Besides, my W has probably already given it a year if not more. She's not making any moves towards filing for divorce because she is in a very comfortable position. I don't know you guys (and gals), I've been going back and forth on this minute by minute today. How do you know when to give up hope? Or do you never give it up? I guess I just need a little encouragement today...***
You are ahead of me on this awful journey. My encouragement to you is what KentS told me on my thread. You have been so focused on your W, but what you need to do now is focus on is Chris! How can you be the best Chris possible? How can you be the Chris you want to be...not to win your W back...but for you...and your kids. How can you NOT focus on W minute by minute and focus on YOU?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
How can you NOT focus on W minute by minute and focus on YOU?
This is the $64,000 (for those of you old enough to get the reference).
And I don't have an answer. I try my best, but in-house separation always leaves me in a position where I'm anticipating every interaction and waiting up when she's out to see how late she gets home. I need to TRULY be separated from her, but neither of us will leave the house. So it seems like the only way out of this limbo is to start talking about divorce.
Yesterday I got an email from a bank that we never use confirming the opening of a new account. I confronted my W last night and she admitted that she opened a new bank account. I politely asked her why she didn't do this without talking to me since we agreed to discuss everything before taking action, but she changed the subject and got all angry about how I changed the settings on my calendar so that she couldn't see all of the events on it. Once again, her anger comes out very quickly and easily, despite how well we got along in Disney. She told me that she had set up a test to see if I was snooping on her and that I had failed the test. I asked for details and she said that it didn't matter.
I got up and told her that I wasn't going to get involved in another argument. We made an "appointment" to sit down and discuss the division of finances on Friday and then she went to visit the neighbor (her partner in crime).
I felt defeated. I had spent most of the afternoon and evening feeling reenergized about continuing the DB techniques. But this just killed it. I just wanted out. This woman is not my wife. Her moods flip at a moment's notice, she lies, and she harbors such resentment toward me that I can't ever envision a day when that will change.
So Friday we will sit down and discuss the next step of our marriage dissolution. I'm hoping that things can be resolved amicably, but that remains to be seen.
One thing I will be pressing her on is to get her drinking under control. She drank every night of the week on vacation. The night we got home she drank an entire bottle of wine by herself. Sunday she admitted to having 3 glasses of wine after work and of course it's safe to assume that last night's visit with the neighbor wasn't a tea party.
I'm really afraid about how this is all going to end...
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
***I stayed away from the boards and anything else related to my marriage problem. And whenever my thoughts started to wander to my sitch I used a line from a silly song that my kids sing and just kept singing it out loud until I started smiling.***
Everything is awesome?
Weird fact
The song "everything is awesome" was written by a man who was right in the middle of a divorce when he wrote it. Kind of gives it a darker tone when you listen again knowing that.
