Finding ME again

[Courage]

Thank you, kml.

Yes, boundaries. Those are hard to enforce. He bucks against them simply to buck against them. He doesn't want to be controlled (even if he's not being controlled, he doesn't want the feeling or impression that he is being controlled) in any way. He is the king of the excuse and the exception so when I enforce the boundary I am accused of being punitive. I need to put more effort here though. Definitely.

My daughter has severe ADHD and moderate ODD. This means that she is a basket case without serious structure and consistency. A neuro-typical (NT) child can have variations to their day and they adapt and modulate their behavior appropriately. My daughter is not truly capable of that. When things are chaotic, unpredictable, transitions unmanaged, etc., her behavior is out of control (tantrums, trouble sleeping, prolonged bouts of intense anger, persistent arguing over minor issues). With a consistent and strict schedule, she is not only easier to handle but she reports feeling more secure, more "tucked in" because she knows what is expected of her and what's coming next. The structure and consistency is crucial for her development and growth so she can function in society and her behavioral therapist has said this specifically.

STBX struggles to get D9 to her activities (these are activities that she has had as part of her schedule long before the divorce so it's really just maintaining the status quo for her) on time, with everything she needs (remember she has ADHD so she struggles with executive function issues, she needs help remembering her paraphernalia and staying on task) if at all. He has severe ADHD, too. He takes aderall but not consistently so he simply cannot be relied upon for much of anything. Now, I'm not a tyrant. I understand that things come up, sometimes the kid skips karate because she's been go-go-go for a while and she needs a night off. I get it. That's perfectly fine. But out of 10 classes, stbx will "maybe" get her to 4 and she'll be late, not have her hair up (as required) and she likely will not have what she needs for class. That's a 40% success rate for consistency. That's failing. Flat out. When I talk to him about the importance of her getting to class, etc., he tells me either 1). He's doing the best he can (really? 40% is the best you can?) or 2) karate isn't that important anyway, she's not really learning anything.

I guess what I'm saying is that I know D9 will likely suffer some later in life because of the divorce. I don't want her to suffer because she doesn't have the understanding that when you commit to something then you work hard to make it to class.

Anyone else's ex not get the kids to their stuff consistently?

This is a battle I have to fight. It is what is best for her development and sense of security. He has even agreed to as much when he's having a moment of grounded rationality. Multiple times. But then it becomes inconvenient and he says, "karate isn't that important anyway...". The cycle is maddening.