Needing some Guidance

[maly]

Could be the start of your roller coaster ride get your seat belt on ,and read and write as many posts as you can your in the right place and there's lots of fantastic peeps on here who will help you'

[maly]

Sorry that was for kc

[sandi2]

Finish reading your DB book. Make it your priority. Yes, the work is not for wimps.

If I had to guess, your W kind of misses the guy you were before M. Don't misunderstand, I applaud you for deciding not to go out drinking all night. Do you think it is that reckless, kind of crazy or irresponsible times that she misses with you........or does she miss something else that she would consider attractive before M?

Don't believe all that stuff she's saying about why she wants to be with OM. Right now, you really cannot believe anything she says.

If she has told her cousin that she thinks it's attractive the way you left.....then that tells me she does not want your soft, sympathizing style you used when discussing her excuses for being in an affair. It can be a turnoff for some wayward wives.

I feel sorry for men trying to figure out women. We say we want a sensitive guy, right? But if you get too soft, we don't like it. We will start doing little things here & there that push your buttons, b/c we want you to stand up to us. (Not that we are going to tell you, b/c you are suppose to read our minds, or automatically just know these things. ) Anyway, if you back down and let us get away with our little signs of disrespect....then we get worse. Our behavior toward you gets much worse. We want our H to be stronger than we are, and if he's not.....the MR is not going to be very happy.

Let me share what I was told when I first arrived on the board. At the time, I was in an A. I demonized my H and was telling how my emotional needs had never been met, yada, yada. Long story short, the LBS's told me that NOTHING could excuse an A. And I would think, "I'm not trying to excuse it, I'm trying to tell you about my crappy life". See how rational a WW thinks? That's what I was.....a wayward wife. Bottom line is this.......even if you are a very compassionate, sensitive H......she is in an affair. It is wrong. Every time I tried to explain myself.....I was told that if I was that unhappy, then the decent thing would have been to give my H a divorce, and then find another man. It doesn't matter how the A started or why it started.....it's still wrong. As bad as I hated to admit, I knew in my heart they were right. I could not excuse my behavior by pointing my finger at everything bad in my life.

If she had gone to you with a heart filled with remorse and asked you to forgive her......then to be able to do so, would take a loving and sensitive man, IMHO. However, if she tells you she has no intentions of ending the affair......that is kind of like a bully putting the chip on her shoulder and daring you to knock it off. May be a crude illustration, but maybe you'll get my point. In other words, it's as if she's saying, "I'm going to continue this affair b/c it makes me feel good.....so, what are you going to do about it?" Not a good situation. With you walking out, your actions are saying that you will not support infidelity in your M. In other words, you've knocked the chip off the bully's shoulder, so now you will see if she counter-dares you or not.

[KCRoo]

So I am back on track, mostly, I have finished DB, and I am about 60 pages into DR. I have stopped trying to pursue her, no calls no text.

She told me she was going to go stay with a friend for a week, I said that was great. (I know I should have not responded at all, but I am a work in progress.)

I use to make her coffee in the mornings on my way out, I no longer do that. I am going out with my friends, which she questions me about, and I brush her off.

I have really focused on me, eating healthy and working out. She has not said anything, but some of the women at work have (I didn't tell her that). I am down about 10lbs. in a week, which I know is a lot, but I figure I am eating mostly vegetables, and some chicken, and working out, that obviously I was carrying too much weight.

Since my last post, one of the things she confessed to me, unsolicited, mind you was that her physical attraction to me had dwindled. I just let it bounce off of me, and if she doesn't recognize the work I put in than that is her bad.

I read through all six threads by Sandi2 on ws. I generally feel better, and while I would still love to save my marriage, I am beginning to feel ok either way.

(Side note, on Tuesday, 1/10/16, she came home and told me that she stopped talking to the om, that Monday 1/9/16 she sent the last text to him at 9am. While I seem to think that was true, she was really grumpy, and I heard her crying, my gut tells me she started back up yesterday, because she seemed happier. I am just going to continue to focus on me, and not get drawn in anymore to the drama.)

[KCRoo]

I forgot to mention, since I stopped calling and texting her, she has asked me on multiple occasions "what's wrong", and I have confidently replied "nothing" or "I am fine".

[KCRoo]

So I quick update, she told me yesterday that they texted (I didn't ask) she said that he sent her a screen shot of the weather (we are suppose to have a bad storm today/tomorrow) and that she responded with another weather screen shot.

I don't believe her, and I just went on with my night.

[sandi2]

(Side note, on Tuesday, 1/10/16, she came home and told me that she stopped talking to the om, that Monday 1/9/16 she sent the last text to him at 9am. While I seem to think that was true, she was really grumpy, and I heard her crying, my gut tells me she started back up yesterday, because she seemed happier. I am just going to continue to focus on me, and not get drawn in anymore to the drama.)

Very sharp! Yes, when she is all happy-go-lucky.....you can bet she has been in contact with OM. It is like her drug fix. So naturally, if she has not had contact with him for a few days....she will be in a bad mood. She is getting an ego shot from the OM every time they contact one another. It is very addictive. Whenever the contact truly ends, she will not be in a pleasant mood for quite some time.

I forgot to mention, since I stopped calling and texting her, she has asked me on multiple occasions "what's wrong", and I have confidently replied "nothing" or "I am fine".

That's fine, and it is one of the guidelines in the 37 rules. I may on occasion suggest something tougher than a LBS prefers, so judge for yourself what I say next. If I had just separated from a spouse who refused to stop contacting another person....I would probably say something like, "If you don't know what's wrong, maybe you need to examine our situation. If you figure out what is wrong and you decide to do what is right, let me know. Otherwise, I really have nothing else to discuss".

Now that's just me, and others may find fault. I see it as you basically pitching the ball back to her....but what a powerful pitch! You have left her b/c she refused to end contact with another man. If you had wanted to remain in a relationship that had personal, spouse excluded, texting OM friendships......you would have stayed with her, right? This behavior from your wife is unacceptable within a MR. The fact that she showed how little respect she had for you, by texting the OM right in front of you gives evidence of her wayward state.

You talked to her about it, and asked her to end it with OM...and she outright refused! Her OM has become more important than her H. She thought you would continue to stay on the sidelines and buy into whatever cr@p she told you. So, what else is there really to talk about if she continues? This is the "thing" that broke up the M. She KNOWS what she is doing is WRONG. She is betting you are too dumb to not believe everything she tells you, and that she can use her persuasion to get you back. Her plan will be to contact you to feel you out and see how attached you are to her. You don't intend to play that game. She can clean up her act and decide to do what is right, or lose her H. In the example of what I would say....notice how I emphasised the words wrong and right. Every WW knows what she is doing wrong, and she knows exactly what she should do about it.

The majority of newcomers are too afraid to make that bold of a move. And, I am not telling you what to do. I am telling you what I would do, based on the mindset of a WW. The longer you cater to her, playing her game.....the less likely she will want to change her behavior. When this OM fades away, she will find OM2, and continue throughout your M. I strongly encourage you to make a stand early, before you have children with her. Otherwise, she will string you along. I am not suggesting you rush out and get file for a divorce, if that's not what you want. I am saying if she thinks she can have you and the OM....that's what she will do. Do not take her back until or unless she has ended things with OM and proves to you no more contacting. If you let her back too easily, you'll find yourself in the same mess.

[KCRoo]

Thanks for your advice Sandi2, I really appreciate you.

[KCRoo]

Sandi2, so if she has refused to leave the house, and there is nothing I can do to make her leave, would you recommend that I leave?

I know Cadet said that I should stay in the house and MBR, but I have tried to get her to leave and she is as stubborn as a mule.

[sandi2]

I thought you had already left. The best thing to do is get legal advice. If there are no children, I would see no point of staying under the same roof while being exposed to her difiance. You can't nice her back. It simply does not work with a wayward. So what else would you do? Talk? That does not work with a WW in an affair.

I have seen no success with in-house separation. NONE! I have read countless accounts from H's and how staying under the same roof whittles away their self-respect, male confidence, and his influence with her. It is a slow death. IMHO, the outcome has more hope when the betrayed spouse physically leaves. I have seen couples reconcile when physically living apart. As long as you stay under the same roof, and knowing she is still contacting OM....the less chance of attraction, b/c she sees you remaining in the house (knowing contact with OM) as compromising your values, and her contempt for you will begin to rise higher. Every day you stay with her disrespecting you, the less chance you have of attracting her back.

Just for the record, if there were children involved; or you had been M for a longer period of time; or if the two of you were older, I might not be so quick to suggest you leave. I think I have previously explained (maybe I didn't) how a WW usually will not positively respond to her H's passivity. She admires men who show stength, spunk/guts, and who do not tolerate anyone jerking them around. She knows she is doing wrong, and she knows she is lying about it, but she is too far in to meekly stop after you try talking about it. You CANNOT fix this by talking about it. She is not drawn to that approach. Although she won't tell you, she will respect you if you stand up and SHOW that you will not take her cr@p treatment any longer, then SHOW her how you intend to protect yourself from her cr@p by removing yourself from her life. When she has a clear view of the reality she has caused, there is more of a chance she will decide she really wants her H. But she has to feel she has lost him; his avaiability, his attention, his care & protection, and his support.....last but not least, his friendship. She has to feel that he will no longer be a part of her life, b/c he has dumped her......and it is her fault for losing him. It will be up to her to do the right thing, drop the OM, and get her H back.

Just so you know, everyone does not agree with the tough love route, and most newcomers shy away from it. If you talk to the DB coaches, they will not advise what I have said above....and neither do they separate the WW from the WAW. It is your life and your choice. Either way, you will have support from the board.