Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #7]

[ForGump]

The fun just doesn't stop.

Previously on this show: FG get DB coaching (Thread #6)

What can I say. The heartbreak just keeps going. It's been absurd and unreal. And I wonder when I will awake from this nightmare. Not first wave landing at Omaha Beach, for sure. But the absurdity of it, of life, of the pain we are about to rain on kids who did not ask for any of this. Vonnegut got it right.

Coly23: what amazing development. Your news is a direct rebuke of the hopelessness and absurdity that I feel. I hope you will drop by occasionally with dollops of good news.

PacLove: it's good to hear that feelings can come flooding back. At this point, I would be a little scared if it did. I would wonder, what am I getting myself into.

Gordie: re: tough love vs. cake-feeding. I don't know what to think. I don't know what's right and I don't know what works. At this moment in time, I believe a D and/or a PA is my boundary. Should that happen, I plan on moving on, and building my own, separate life.

Life is cruel.

[Gordie]

I hear you but am wondering how separate that life can be with children involved. I know that some can do NC ex-child related topics or others move on to new relationships quickly, but I can't see myself being able to do either. For me, I think NC ex-child related topics would be bad for my kids but I guess each situation is different and we all have to find our way.

[Chris73]

Sorry for you Gump. If you read up on my last few posts you'll see that I've gotten some new perspective after talking with 2 different lawyers yesterday. It has given me a lot to think about.

My W still "appears" to be level headed and has sworn up and down over the course of this whole mess that she has no intention of putting me in a position where I would be struggling financially or fighting for more time with my kids. Of course I take this with a grain of salt. But I think after the dust settles from the Disney trip, we're going to have to sit down and go over the particulars.

I'm hoping that once she realizes how difficult a divorce is going to be for us (financially, emotionally, and physically) it might give her something to think about.

The good news for both of us is that our Ws are still living with us. So yes, if you decide that the tough love approach is the way you want to go, a physical separation and going dark is probably best. But I think both of us are following the advice of the DB coaches who advocate reconnection through friendship.

So being in a position where your W can observe you on a regular basis can be to your advantage if you act appropriately. Do your own thing. Don't initiate R talks. Don't linger in conversations. Don't occupy the same space unless you have to. Keep your temper under control (if that's an issue). Walk away if your wife begins to spew (if that's an issue). Always be available for your kids, even if it gets in the way of your GAL plans. When you're depressed about the absurdity of it all, embrace that feeling, but don't do it in front of your W. If you don't have any friends/family to lean on, go for a drive and cry in your car if you have to.

And of course post here. We're all in this together!

[Gordie]

How's it going?

[Dawgs]

I hear you but am wondering how separate that life can be with children involved. I know that some can do NC ex-child related topics or others move on to new relationships quickly, but I can't see myself being able to do either. For me, I think NC ex-child related topics would be bad for my kids but I guess each situation is different and we all have to find our way.

For us, there is absolutely no contact outside of that concerning the kids.

[ForGump]

Had a big R talk. W told me she filed, but has not placed order to have me served. I believe she has 90 or 120 (?) days to have me served. She's hesitating before pulling the final trigger. Again reiterated that she loves me but just doesn't feel the romantic part, and believes it cannot be fixed. I validated and told her it won't solve our problems but I'll let her go. I did go too far though in trying to reason with her about how it won't solve her problems, however.

Trying to hold steady, come what may. I am at as much peace with this as I can be.

[100383]

I'm so sorry, Gump. BUT, what is she waiting for? Is this the time to let her founder a bit? See how difficult life will be?

Good job validating. I hope you find peace in knowing that you've put up the fight and now it's time to be steady and balanced.

[JRuss]

FG, I am sorry. Keep coming back to that place of peace, if you can. You and I came here at basically the same time, both of us pretty much in the same place, and we're now in very similar places, too. Here's hoping that place slowly changes into one that's far better for both of us. Hang in there, Man. You deserve much better.

[Gordie]

FG,

It sounded like you handled yourself well. I'm so glad that you are finding peace in these turbulent times. What is your next step from here? Do you have the support you need?

[lt0402]

FG, that's a tough conversation to have and I'm positive you handled it better than you think. I know what you're going through is rough right now my friend and I'm sorry you're having to go through it. Keep that balance. You're one of the most well equipped around here to handle this stuff and I've no doubt this will only make you stronger.

JR is right that you don't deserve this. As you also know, your W is wrong in thinking feelings cannot change. Just keep being strong and steady. Be there for your kids. Show your W that she can't break/shake the man that you are.

Hang in there brother. You're at a bumpy spot on your path, but I've no doubt it gets smoother for you as you keep down it. We are here to support you my friend.