Wife has filed for divorce

[ngs]

2 months into divorce proceedings update...

12-28-16 had to attend FOC Conciliation meeting for custody/child support...we will have joint physical/legal custody which we had planned all along

Received child support order...we had already decided that the kids will remain in the current home throughout graduation, I will continue paying mortgage and all associated bills so it is agreed that child support order will not go into effect unless something changes...we will still live in same house for the near future, long term to be decided yet

Had a required FOC orientation yesterday that both of us attended...after we got home, wife obviously feeling guilty about everything unloaded on me about how terrible our marriage has been, she has never had the emotional support she should have had along with my devastating choices I made in the past and how I am such a hypocrite

I listened and validated her feelings

I sometimes don't understand why she still unloads on me, when in the past she has said this relationship is dead and she has no feelings or is numb to the relationship, but when she unloads it is obvious that is not the case...when she unloads that is the only thing that makes me think there is still a remote hope that she may be willing to work on the relationship, but that is a very small hope that I hold out

Today we go for Pre-Trial divorce conference before the judge

[Gordie]

Thank you. I am printing this out. This is a great list.

[Gordie]

When you are validating her negative feelings...what do you actually say? I'm not good at this but am trying to learn.

Re her unloading, I too think it's a positive sign. My DB coach said that if they are still complaining then they still care. It's better than indifference. My W bottles up her feelings and avoids conflict so it takes a lot for her to unload. She actually has to feel emotionally connected to me to do it. When she feels disconnected, I get the silent treatment and icy coldness.

[ngs]

I really don't say a lot, I listen, I nod my head in acceptance of what she is saying, I verbally accept responsibility for things about our marriage that she brings up because frankly most of what has happened or she brings up is the truth of our marriage because I have caused her emotional pain.

But I slipped up last week when she was unloading and got a bit defensive and threw some of it back at her, sometimes I struggle with not reacting to what she says properly.

My wife has bottled up her pain for years and we never talked about our issues...I get the silent treatment most of the time like she's trying to pretend I'm not even there and when she does initiate conversation she's usually angry and its tense so I can feel for what you're dealing with.

My situation is different than most here I'm the one that betrayed my wife in the past and its had devastating consequences and I never did the things I needed to do to help her heal over the years because I was caught up in my own angry, stressful, self hatred turmoil...my own ignorance/not knowing what I needed to do

So in my situation my wife is an emotional wreck and she now sees her only way out and to be able to heal is through divorce

[Gordie]

Sorry, looking back from the beginning:

***Our issues started when my wife was pregnant with our first son. I was away for job training at a hotel, got really drunk one of the nights, cheated on her and I had a child out of wedlock because of that. I do not have contact with that child but have paid child support all of these years. We tried counseling early on but we never repaired our relationship and she never forgave me even though she stayed with me.***

She never forgave you but stayed with you, parented with you, continued to have a relationship with you, continued to have sex with you, had two more kids with you?

***A few years after I cheated on her the first time, I carried on a 3 month affair with someone at work because this person made me feel good about myself but I was caught because of phone calls and ended the affair. She told me if anything like this ever happened again we would be done. We were in counseling at the time but it did not help, she has never forgiven me for the past, I have been faithful since but still angry with myself and constantly struggling with stress due to the past and financial struggles. We basically moved forward without ever solving our issues.***

You did it again, she didn't end the relationship, but you still didn't resolve your issues. What's keeping the relationship together? Does she really love you and is really forgiving? Or was she dependent on you financially, emotionally, etc. and didn't see a way out? Does she have strict religious or other convictions/social values that kept her in the M?

***I started changing for the better 4 years ago and am in a better place now and became the husband I always should have been, while my wife has gone the opposite way and is filled with anger, bitterness, selfishness and unforgiveness. She has been talking about possibly divorcing for the last year and a half and finally filed last month.***

Okay, she's been thinking about this for a LOOONG time. She's also at the perfect age for a MLC (if so, read the homework in that forum). We know she's unhappy with her M. Is she unhappy about other things? Her appearance? Aging/health? Educational/professional goals? Being more than just a W and mother? Is she involved with an OM or has she identified a POM?

[ngs]

Sorry, looking back from the beginning:

She never forgave you but stayed with you, parented with you, continued to have a relationship with you, continued to have sex with you, had two more kids with you?

Yes

You did it again, she didn't end the relationship, but you still didn't resolve your issues. What's keeping the relationship together? Does she really love you and is really forgiving? Or was she dependent on you financially, emotionally, etc. and didn't see a way out? Does she have strict religious or other convictions/social values that kept her in the M?

I believe she still did love me but no has never forgiven me. And yes financially dependent on me, has told me she should have left me long ago but never did out of fear, also at the time I think she believed she should try to stick it out because we were Christians, church goers, involved in small groups but over the years she is involved in none of that anymore. Had I taken the necessary steps early on we could have repaired our marriage but she has said I would try and then give up time and time again and she's not willing to put in the work anymore and still not have it work out in the end.

Okay, she's been thinking about this for a LOOONG time. She's also at the perfect age for a MLC (if so, read the homework in that forum). We know she's unhappy with her M. Is she unhappy about other things? Her appearance? Aging/health? Educational/professional goals? Being more than just a W and mother? Is she involved with an OM or has she identified a POM?

She is unhappy with the position she is in, no full time job, no savings, no retirement and looking back now not happy with most of her choices over the years. Not only angry at me but also angry at herself. And no there is no OM, its just all the years of unhappiness, bottling up her emotions, she's done with the marriage and is now letting out all her emotions.

[MrBond]

'I sometimes don't understand why she still unloads on me,'

It shows you never really understood what she was going through. Unlike Txhubby, I was also a betrayed spouse but learned how to deal with it in a healthy way and have no problem helping you.

But I think you acting happy, etc. is the wrong thing to do. She really would rather have you suffer. You said you were married for 17 years yet you said you only changed 4 years ago? Why?

[ngs]

It shows you never really understood what she was going through.

No I never did understand what she was going through, we just moved on with life and ignored everything and never worked through our issues. When she does "unload" and tell me how she feels in the past few months she tells me I don't understand but that it is too late now and she doesn't want to help me understand what she has gone through.

But I think you acting happy, etc. is the wrong thing to do. She really would rather have you suffer. You said you were married for 17 years yet you said you only changed 4 years ago? Why?

Well I was angry (at myself), self loathing, constantly stressed financially...now this wasn't every single day but when issues arised this is what I would revert to. As to changing 4 years ago, I got angry over something stupid and the next day looked at myself in the mirror and had one of those wtf moments. Realizing that I had an amazing wife, 3 awesome kids and life, which I knew...I just didn't act like I knew and decided how happy and fortunate I was for everything I had in life. At the time my wife told me I had to work on myself before we could ever work on the marriage and so I did through counseling and changing my mindset. She still refused to go to counseling until she went to one session with me, said nothing during the session until the end and said "what do I do if I want out?"

I don't think she ever had any intention of trying to work things out again and just figured I would revert back to how I acted previously but I haven't and its been 4 years. Now I haven't been perfect all this time but I have never quit working on myself.

She did end up going to individual counseling for about 5 months until Jan 2016 and told me she realized through that she wanted divorce, but still did not make up her mind until she finally filed Oct. 2016.

And as far as me acting happy, she knows I don't want divorce and I'm not happy about it but I have to be a better person for my kids and being an angry stressed out father was not good for them see and they have seen the changes in me.

[Gordie]

I sometimes don't understand why she still unloads on me, when in the past she has said this relationship is dead and she has no feelings or is numb to the relationship, but when she unloads it is obvious that is not the case...when she unloads that is the only thing that makes me think there is still a remote hope that she may be willing to work on the relationship, but that is a very small hope that I hold out

She unloads because she still have years and years of anger built up inside of her that she still hasn't let out...she has to work through that anger...and unfortunately, I don't think you are the person who can help her through that at this point (at one poing long ago, you could have been that person)...it's going to take a long time, but the hope that I have for you is that: you have children together so you will have years of interactions ahead of you (take every little opportunity to show love and kindness); and you both are/were Christians (even if not currently practicing, it's possible for the seed of growth to regrow, if you want it to).

[MrBond]

Go back and read your last post. That's why she's still resentful against you. You cheated on her TWICE, you were married for 17 years and only decided to change 4 years ago which means that for 13 years, she had to put up with alot of your BS.

Just because you had a "WTF" moment, doesn't mean that she has to also at the same time. It coms down to control. The majority of your marriage was under YOUR control. You decided to act the way you did irregardless of whether or not it hurt others and having an affair is the ULTIMATE form of control.

Your wife went through guilt through both thinking there was something wrong with her. Now she feels empowered and finally in control of her own life as opposed to you pulling the strings. Is there really any wonder why she wants to get away?

You have to be sympathetic and understanding and show true remorse in a way that she accepts. Acting happy and GAL is what you did before while you had your A. That's why she's angry.