Working on a Trial Separation Agreement with MLC H

[ccgrrl]

Well things are looking worse and worse.

We had a conversation tonight about how to proceed with the separation. I've been trying not to have any conversations with him about our R at all because I feel they are unproductive and they make me very anxious.

My H is a passive-aggressive type and so there have been many years of him supposedly compromising but then resenting me for him not getting his way - this could be from anything - major decisions or minor. Anyway, we both recognize this unhealthy pattern and I feel equipped to work on that, but he does not.

Here's the big struggle right now... He is not behaving in a crazy way or doing monster behaviors or anything like that. He is coldly and calmly telling me he does not want to wait 6 months in this trial separation, he wants to get divorced tomorrow if possible. When I asked him if he's ever even read up on divorce and what it does to people, to children, etc., he stared at me blankly and said no. He just knows he's unhappy and he feels he wants to end the M, period. He gets very frustrated when I tell him I don't think he's being rational or thinking about his kids and especially when I tell him I don't agree that the M has to end, it just has to change. Then he says I'm telling him his feelings are wrong, so I validate and say his feelings are not wrong and that I'm sure he does really feel like he wants the M to end right now, but that 6 months gives us time and space away from each other to work through our feelings and see what's what.

I end up looking like the crazy one because he won't even concede that divorce is going to be hard on everyone. He won't concede that it's even possible to change his mind or that he will feel different with time and space. He won't concede that it is better to act more slowly on major decisions. In fact, this whole conversation began with him telling me how the separation is for me and the kids and not for him at all - as though I asked for this!!! He follows it all up by asking whether or not we (he really) can date.

By the end of the conversation, we agreed that him leaving is for him, not for his family at all, but that the 6 month period is for me and the kids so we can process and be careful about how we decide to proceed and see how it feels to be separate. He only agreed begrudgingly and I know it's going to be one of these passive-aggressive things where he makes sure NOT to think about things and get a clear head because it was my idea.

I feel completely defeated today. He really seems so dead certain... I'm starting to question whether the 6 months will do anything at all since he's so close-minded and stubborn. Who is this man? Not the person I married.

I also feel like a doormat. I feel like I should be throwing him out because no matter what, when he tells this story it will be told that way - that I pushed him out of his own house. I can see he's framing it that way when he talks to me.

I really find it difficult to believe that anyone this sure of wanting divorce can turn around and see the light.

Enough about him....how do I explain this to S13 and S6 in a way that is honest, age-appropriate, and somehow without making them feel hurt by the suddenness of it all?