My WW and the Great Sandi2 Experiment - part 2

[Gordie]

...some here have given words of warning that things will change when either of us get involved in another relationship. Have you and your W discussed what will happen in that future scenario?

Ha! No we haven't. I know it's naive but I'm not ready to have that discussion yet. It still remains to be seen that my wife is fully involved with OM2. She swears up and down that she isn't, but her actions tell another story. We've agreed to continue the in-home separation for another 6 months, so I'm hoping that we are both able to use that time wisely and act in the best interest of the family when that time comes.

My W still slips every so often...

We debated over how to decorate the house for Xmas and she said, "Well, just do it this way and if I don't like it, we'll do it a different way next year".

When planning for Disney we talked about some of the things we might not get to do this trip and she said, "Well, it's not like we won't go back again."

I know this "WE" word is dangerous. It could me her and the kids without me. It could mean all of us doing something as a family even though we're divorced.

Earlier this week my W took down the Xmas decorations and put the normal pictures back up on the mantle. Our wedding picture used to be front and center. Now it's nowhere to be found. This really hurt when I noticed it. But I'm keeping it to myself. Mentioning it to her is just pursuing.

Wow, thanks, really interesting to hear the perspective of someone in similar circumstances on these issues.

Yes, my W is pushing for separation ASAP, but also wants us to plan a weekend getaway and family vacations, etc.

Yes, it's heartbreaking when the wedding ring, the wedding pictures, etc. start disappearing...and no, there's nothing to say...we just keep this sadness it to ourselves and people on anonymous message boards!

[Seeker7]

Earlier this week my W took down the Xmas decorations and put the normal pictures back up on the mantle. Our wedding picture used to be front and center. Now it's nowhere to be found. This really hurt when I noticed it. But I'm keeping it to myself. Mentioning it to her is just pursuing.

I know how much it hurts when the stuff that will remind us of us start diapering. When my W moved out there was a box full of pictures of the Kids and of us. She took it with her and then a few weeks later she gave me a box back. It had ever single picture that I was in like our wedding pic and some family pics. It hit me like a ton of bricks. But from what I understand it is a process they go through. They do not want to be reminded of it and the good times that there were. My wife did not even take her pillows on the bed and went out and bought new ones. I believe it is because she did not want to have my smell in her new bed.

[Chris73]

Ugh, I feel like crying and vomiting at the same time.

Yes, I just had an initial consult with a lawyer. Might have been the most depressing hour of my life.

I'm doing all the right things by staying in the house and continuing to be actively involved with my kids. We talked about how things could go depending on how much my W and I agree on the details of a divorce (assets and custody). We talked about a post-nuptial agreement which could help speed things up in the event that one of us files.

The thing that makes me want to vomit is the cost of all this. I am obviously going to need representation regardless of how "fair" my W claims she's going to be. And of course if I have representation, so will she. So now we're talking about spending anywhere between $5-10K to get this done. I just can't understand how she thinks that this would be money well spent as opposed to investing it in college funds for our kids or our retirement.

If things progress in this way I will be in the biggest fight of my life with the person I love the most. It's revolting.

The only silver lining is that she has no intention of making the next move until June. So I absolutely HAVE to spend these next 6 months focusing on DB'ing, GAL'ing and lovingly detaching.

[Laowai]

...some here have given words of warning that things will change when either of us get involved in another relationship. Have you and your W discussed what will happen in that future scenario?

Ha! No we haven't. I know it's naive but I'm not ready to have that discussion yet. It still remains to be seen that my wife is fully involved with OM2. She swears up and down that she isn't, but her actions tell another story. We've agreed to continue the in-home separation for another 6 months, so I'm hoping that we are both able to use that time wisely and act in the best interest of the family when that time comes.

My W still slips every so often...

We debated over how to decorate the house for Xmas and she said, "Well, just do it this way and if I don't like it, we'll do it a different way next year".

When planning for Disney we talked about some of the things we might not get to do this trip and she said, "Well, it's not like we won't go back again."

I know this "WE" word is dangerous. It could me her and the kids without me. It could mean all of us doing something as a family even though we're divorced.

Earlier this week my W took down the Xmas decorations and put the normal pictures back up on the mantle. Our wedding picture used to be front and center. Now it's nowhere to be found. This really hurt when I noticed it. But I'm keeping it to myself. Mentioning it to her is just pursuing.

Wow, thanks, really interesting to hear the perspective of someone in similar circumstances on these issues.

Yes, my W is pushing for separation ASAP, but also wants us to plan a weekend getaway and family vacations, etc.

Yes, it's heartbreaking when the wedding ring, the wedding pictures, etc. start disappearing...and no, there's nothing to say...we just keep this sadness it to ourselves and people on anonymous message boards!

This right here! Man I remember the day my W handed me her engagement ring back and said "you should keep this". Then less than a week later she stopped wearing her wedding ring. It was one of the most heartbreaking things that I have ever witnessed. She actually left ALL of our wedding stuff at the house when she moved out. Didn't even take a single picture. Actually everything is exactly as she left it in this regard. It hurts so much to walk by those photos and see how happy we were, only to immediately start thinking about OM. I have thought about boxing them all up, but honestly I think this might be even more painful...I almost feel like that's me saying I'm giving up.

[Vapo]

Lao you really should declutter, pack up her stuff and/or any other stuff that invokes a reaction and store it out of sight.

[Laowai]

Lao you really should declutter, pack up her stuff and/or any other stuff that invokes a reaction and store it out of sight.

Like I said, I've definitely thought about it. I feel like this may be even more painful to be honest. Also, I kind of feel like that would be me saying to myself "I give up".

[Vapo]

Lao you really should declutter, pack up her stuff and/or any other stuff that invokes a reaction and store it out of sight.

Like I said, I've definitely thought about it. I feel like this may be even more painful to be honest. Also, I kind of feel like that would be me saying to myself "I give up".

Ok, don't do it then. We can revisit the subject in a year's time...

[Chris73]

Just back from the gym. Man did I need that.

I can't even begin to explain how surreal it is to spend half my time today talking to lawyers discussing divorce and the other half of my day finalizing itinerary details for our trip to Disney.

I'm going to get deep here for a minute but does anyone ever think that somehow there is karma involved in all of this?

...When I was 28 I got involved with a woman who had just gotten a divorce but her ex-H had just returned to their home in hopes of patching things up. They had two kids together and they were both very young at the time. We worked together and saw each other in secret. Eventually she moved out, our relationship became public, and I temporarily took over the role of the father figure. I was good to the kids and I truly was in love with their mother at the time. But looking back now I can see the situation from the father's point of view. How emotionally distraught he must have been knowing that someone else was spending more time with his kids than he was.

I know that everyone is responsible for their own decisions but every now and then I think that maybe my sitch right now is payback for my poor judgment back then.

I guess maybe this is a sign of self-loathing? IDK...

[Chris73]

Just had a very interesting discussion with another attorney. I really respected this guy because he did a free phone consultation with me at 7:30 at night from his home.

After I relayed the most pertinent details of my sitch he said, "Man, that's a scary situation to be in!" Now I may be new on this planet, but I don't think this is what you want to hear from a divorce lawyer!!

He said, "she's really got you by the b@lls. She could decide to file at any time and if she's got a good attorney she'll realize that she's entitled to a lot."

I told him that I was still hoping for a reconciliation and that we had agreed to continue our in-house separation until June. To which he replied, "Well, I give you a lot of credit. It's a noble thing you're trying to do. But I've seen these types of cases a million times and if you're really hoping to reconcile with her you need to let go of her completely. Tell her that you'll agree to whatever is fair and let her live with the pressure of having to handle her life without you. She'll soon realize that no one is going to be as good to her as you are. And then if she decides to reconcile either during the divorce proceedings or after, it can be on your terms.

...You should start the divorce process as soon as possible. If she's willing to be amicable regarding the division of assets and joint custody you should be able to work out an agreement quickly and it won't have to cost you very much in legal fees. But the longer you wait the more opportunity she has to decide that she wants more than you're willing to give and then you have a messy legal battle."

I got off the phone and was like, "Wow. That dude said a mouthful! I had never considered that approach." So I have a lot to think about over the next few weeks.

Interesting side note, after I got home and spent some time with S8 before bed I sat down with her at the table to go over any last minute items for the Disney trip that we hadn't gotten to yet. We talked for a while and then she said, "It's really great that you're handling the itinerary. All of those details about what rides to reserve and what shows to go to and where to eat just drives me crazy." So I said, "Well I guess it's good that I'm going with you... one last time."

That "one last time" part came out so naturally and I know it took her by surprise. She got red in the face and choked a little on her words. I didn't react at all and just got up and left the room.

I kinda feel a bit empowered right now. I know it won't last long. But it feels pretty good right now.

[mvgfwd2]

Sounds like he is proposing LRT.