My wife and I were married for 6 years and last week, she told me she fell in love with another man and left me. A lot of it was my fault...
Our marriage started out wonderfully, and everything was great the first year. However, we soon realized that we both suffered many mental health issues from growing up in violent family environments. We committed to spiritual healing together. We learned about meditation, went on retreats, read a lot of self help books and supported each other through this difficult process.
But eventually, we started fighting everyday, and went through a series of difficult life events. I visited her family, and witnessed some of the violence first hand which was very stressful. She became very insecure and tested me all the time, creating drama. she flirted with others once, and said she might want to leave me because she felt uncomfortable with how i dressed and kept the house clean. I became very withdrawn from friends and left work in order to heal. I put a lot of pressure on her and made all my happiness about her. We had to sell our house, but had some savings from the profit of it. I had financially supported her throughout the marriage and she had only been together enough to work for a few months. It was a really hard time.
On one of my trips abroad 2 years ago, I met a girl that i thought i fell in love with. She was an escape from all the fighting and difficulty I had at home. I lied and told this other woman I was in a relationship, but not that i was married. I never had any physical contact with this other girl, but the feeling of relief was enough that it made me doubt my marriage. We never discussed any feelings, and simply remained friends. When I got home, I told my wife everything and that I hoped I could be with this other woman. But even if i wasn’t with this new girl, I still wanted a divorce. I was cruel to her. My wife and I slept together a few times despite the fact that I was still considering being with another girl. I am ashamed of the way I treated my wife.
My wife moved back to be with her family and told me she needed space apart to get over me. But after a week, she called me and said she didn’t want to be with me anymore, but wanted me in her life as a friend. She saw all my flaws and virtues, and just wanted to stay friends. We talked every day for months, and eventually I realized that this other girl i was fantasizing about was just an escape, and i never pursued her or talked to her. Yet, I still didn’t want to be with my wife.
My wife moved out of her parents place back with me for a while and we stayed in separate rooms as friends. Eventually, my wife fell for this other younger guy she had met, but the guy thought it was better to just stay friends. I still didn’t want to be with my wife until i went traveling, and realized in a flood of emotions that I still loved her and didn’t want to lose her. I realized all the mistakes i had made and was filled with grief. I told her, and apologized for my past actions, and we had honest communication about our past problems. She still didn’t want to be a couple, but she was willing to try to reconcile. Our plan was to work on our own lives, get jobs, friends, start over, and begin dating each other.
During out attempts to reconcile, she found a job, and her father lent her money to buy a home. A few months ago, she told me she wanted to file for divorce, so that when we started dating again, we could start fresh and I signed the papers. I went through some tough life events during this time, when i confronted my family about some past trauma and re-established relationships with them. I was looking for a job, and I had a health scare when i discovered i had a heart condition. she was not very supportive during this, while i supported her financially, and tried to support her emotionally through her job search.
Then in late december, she had dinner with a co-worker who was just a friend. THREE days later, the co-worker told my wife that he loved her, and my wife said she loved him back, and they started dating. She came home to tell me that very day that she wanted to leave me for good. we had been talking even a few days prior about moving in together eventually and dating again. She said she could never feel safe with me, and this new guy who is 4 years younger and had a very troubling childhood made her feel safe. she said during the past few months, I had retreated from friends in my difficult times, and began to play too many video games. she said if she slowed down to think about it, she still had feelings for me, but could never trust me that i wouldn’t want to be with other girls in the future. she told me that anything can happen in the future, but right now she sees 0% chance we’d be together. She wanted to remain in contact as friends.
Now, it’s been 11 days since she said she was leaving and moved out about 7 days ago. We’re going to meet in a few days to get closure, settle accounts and try to learn from our relationship. I decided to move to a different state by the end of the month, and try to rebuild my life. but i need advice. can i still hold out hope that in the future, if we work on our issues and become stable, we can be together? i want to warn her about this new bf, whom I think is preying on her vulnerability. can i talk to her about it? she said she is open to input. how should i act when i am with her? if i do the 180 thing, i would just be very mature and responsible, and able to make the hard decision to just leave the state and not talk for a while. can i ask if we still have a chance to save the marriage in the future? can i talk about why i think our relationship didn’t work? thanks a lot. i’d really appreciate any advice. i’m in bad shape now.
Married 6 years Separated 1 year Divorced 1/1/17 me 35 wife 30
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
just wanted to add that i did read sandi's rules, i just thought maybe my situation is different since i am trying to move to a new state and start a new life, with the hope of reconciliation down the road.
Married 6 years Separated 1 year Divorced 1/1/17 me 35 wife 30
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head! How firm are your out of state relocation plans?
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
can i still hold out hope that in the future, if we work on our issues and become stable, we can be together?
Yes. But I wouldnt put your life on hold waiting for that.
Originally Posted By: james17
i want to warn her about this new bf, whom I think is preying on her vulnerability. can i talk to her about it? she said she is open to input.
You can, but she isnt going to listen to you. If it were me, Id keep my mouth shut on that. Anything you say will only drive the two of them together.
Originally Posted By: james17
how should i act when i am with her? if i do the 180 thing, i would just be very mature and responsible, and able to make the hard decision to just leave the state and not talk for a while.
Be upbeat like you are meeting an old work acquaintance. Listen 3 times more than you talk. Don't ask too many questions about her or her future. Act as if you are living your life and youre doing well.
Originally Posted By: james17
can i ask if we still have a chance to save the marriage in the future?
Only if you want to hear her say 'no'.
Originally Posted By: james17
can i talk about why i think our relationship didn’t work?
I wouldnt really. I think youre better off touching on your R as little as possible. I would CERTAINLY avoid pointing out HER problems.
