Still lost in the desert. Trying to plot my survival strategy for the year ahead, one month at a time. I just can't think much further out than that with all the unknowns...
AP, thanks for the comments above. Yes, have read much on Pursuit/Distance. As I look back we have been doing that dance well before BD as he distanced himself. I am no longer pursuing in any way, but agree that even my openly admitting I am waiting and still here for him could constitute pursuit or pressure in his eyes.
I let H know that I would be dropping off S15 on Wednesdays instead of him coming to get him (and coming inside to socialize). We've only had 1 so far, and H was at the curb waiting for us when we arrived. I chatted for a minute or two without getting out of the car, then I drove away. Cried the whole time driving home, but at least I did it. I have to take the small victories when I get them. Next time I will try to get there a little earlier and maybe H will not be home yet. I will text before I go each time, as I don't want S15 to accidentally walk in and OW is there or her stuff is laying around.
H went on trip with OW last week. It was for business, and should have just been 1 night, but he obviously stayed two. Charges from the second night from a bar and gas on the way home on our joint account. Ughh. Nothing new, but still frustrating that they get to go do things in their fantasy world while we are left taking care of kids, running the household, dealing with everyday life things. I should be used to it by now. He then left the next day for a week long business trip. So... it will be at least 10 days without seeing him. He is texting 1x/day, but very distant. It is odd that while he is out of town I am less stressed. I know he is not with OW, and somehow that makes it easier to deal with. Childish I know, as it doesn't change the situation.
I had a dream last night that myself, S15, D19, H and OW were all together at church, and then staying overnight somewhere together in a house. So odd. I very rarely remember my dreams, and really try to not even think about the OW. This was a first. Up until now I have faced H leaving and adjusted (kinda) to my new normal, but it just involved him rejecting me - I never really go to the place that he is with her daily and choosing her. Obviously I know he is, but maybe it was a defense mechanism on my part to put it out of my mind. Seems like part of me is ready to start dealing with that part of the reality on another level.
So - back to my short term goal for the next month:
1. Daily time with God/meditation/prayer for 30 minutes EACH day
2. Attend at least 2 activities during the month with a new group of people to expand my social network(pickle ball, hiking group, new friend, etc.)
3. Go to library and figure out how to order/hold a few books from our MLC/DB reading list.
4. Read at least 1 of the above books per month
5. Sign up for new women's small group at church or a Divorce Care group.
There it is in writing. Time to hold myself accountable!
M:49 H:49 T:28 M:26 S24, D19, S15 BD/PA: June 2016 H living separately next to OW
