Left off with W initiating first R related question in several months. I handled it partially ok with a couple small mistakes. I got some 2x4's for my continued (although minimized) snooping.
Tonight I finally mustered up the energy to actually clean my house again which I had let get absurdly disgusting. Feel much better now about this. No snooping tonight! Now to look at finances which I haven't looked at in well over a month.
Last edited by Cadet; 01/09/1710:48 PM. Reason: Link
W texted yesterday and asked how I and the dogs are doing. I just responded that we are doing good, and she reminded me that I need to make an appointment for one of them. That's the only contact there has been in a few days.
I got a really good leg workout in last night at home and that was about all I did. I had SOOOO many dreams last night about my W though. Man, it was rough! I am exhausted at this point. I'm not sure there will be enough coffee to get me through the day today.
Cleaning the house and looking at finances is all good progress. These are both about getting your life on the course you want. Sorry to hear about the dreams though and try and take things a bit gently today - hopefully you'll get a better nights sleep tonight
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
So, out of nowhere W texts me today. See below for our conversation: W: By the way, my counselor today said that my mom did more damage to me psychologically than if she were just an absent parent. Me: Wow, that sounds tough to here. I could certainly believe that though based off of lots of our previous conversations regarding this topic. It sounds like you had a good session though, would you agree? W: It's been a very emotional day and it's going to be such a long road. Me: It certainly sounds like it would be very emotional. W: I hated her before but I truly loath her for creating such a [censored] up worthless mindset in me Me: I could see that. I'm sorry you are discovering this, but I am happy you are getting help! My counselor opened my eyes to some things from childhood as well this week. I don't think it was quite as emotional for me as yours sounds to be though, but she really hit the nail on the head this last session lol W:That's great
So...How was this? Strange that she volunteered this info as she has been very guarded in the past when I have asked about the counselor.
I think you did well if one of your 180s is to demonstrate you can listen and validate.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Originally Posted By: Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld
"Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns – the ones we don't know we don't know. And if one looks throughout the history of our marriage and other broken marriages, it is the latter category that tend to be the difficult ones."
What your W is sharing with may be a gargantuan piece of cheese. Or it can be a completely cheeseless tunnel. We just don't know, and can't know. It is a known unknown. It will only become a known with the passage of time and further revelations and development of events.
I think you did well to validate. I hope she genuinely felt that you were hearing her. I think it's fine to wonder whether her opening up to you means something. I would do exactly the same.
But don't let what simply not knowable take away your focus from becoming a strong, warm, stable person that your W would be drawn to. I'm sure she'll be sending more messages your way, and you want to be sure that you don't crumble under the weight of hope, hope for a marriage that is already dead. Look forward.
I'm trying hard to be forward looking myself ....
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Good job with the validating. I would go a little briefer and take care not to be the one extending the conversation - you're learning and it's a balancing act.
Now then - the thing NOT to do is dwell on it. Who knows what that means? The main thing is to be living your own life.
What are you doing for yourself this week my friend? And what plans are you making for yourself going forwards?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
