Never good enough

[Chris73]

Hi 010207. Thanks for sharing the additional information. I know that it feels like posting on here helps to unburden yourself a little bit but it also takes courage. And I commend you for that.

Since you have stated that you're committed to saving your marriage, I think most of us will give you advice that can help with that goal. However, if there really is abuse (physical or emotional), I think all of us would advise that you're better off leaving.

It's good that you're able to remind yourself about the things in you M that were positive and happy. You and your H have a long history together. If he plans to continue being an involved parent he will always be in your life to a certain degree. You can use this to your advantage.

I would suggest that trying to do a 180 might help. After 26 years it's safe to say that your H has gotten to know you pretty well. So think about all the ways that you and your H interact (or have interacted when you weren't separated), and try your best to notice the patterns of your behavior. If he started shouting at you, would you yell back or back down? If he was distant would you try to pursue him or leave him alone? Whatever the situation, ask yourself, "What does he expect me to do?" And do something different.

You mention that you've become a wallflower over the years and that you don't have many friends. So you'll need to change that. Start doing things for yourself. Even if finances are scarce there are things you can do that cost very little (or nothing) that will help you shift the focus back to yourself. I know you're reading DR, but go to your local library and borrow some books that focus on self-help, whether they be spiritual or just psychological. Read up on mindfulness meditation and rent a Yoga video and start practicing both of those every day. Check out the meet up website and see if there are any groups in your area that seem interesting and go to one of their functions. You might make some new friends.

Once you start doing this, you might not see any signs of change in our relationship with your H. But that's ok because you need to make these changes for yourself anyway.

The hardest part in all of this, and the thing that I still struggle with is detachment. This takes a lot of strength and patience and sometimes you have to "fake it until you make it". I am still very much in tune with my W's every word and action and it affects my thoughts and behavior. If I could fully detach, this wouldn't happen. I am not there yet, but I'm making progress.

I hope this helps. I am still very new to this board and there are a lot of vets that can help with more of the details, but I think the overall message is the same. Read the DB/DR books, stop pursuing your H and make changes to your behavior that are not consistent with what he expects, and start doing things for yourself (aka GAL).

I hope this helps. Hang in there!