Never good enough

[010207]

Chris, your question is so hard to answer. I guess both. 2/3 of my life has been with him by my side. H and I taking on the world, ya know? We honestly do everything together which I know is unhealthy. I go to the auto parts store, he goes to the craft store. I used to be very independent, but going out alone is very uncomfortable.

I painted him in a bad light. While those things are true, he's more than that. When things are good, they are SO good. He's super funny and smart. He used to do little things like clean the snow off my car. 😊 He literally is the guy everyone wants to be friends with. Meanwhile I've turned into a wallflower. Maybe I've always been that way and he just "saw" me.

There are times when I think divorce is the right answer. I know what he wants and its not me. And there are times when I think, we just fit.

Seeker, he's never spent a ton of time with the kids. To his credit, he works a lot. When he gets home he's tired. Our kids are very active in sports which he does go to everything he can. I have 1 very difficult child. I love her, but she's the one I worry will get into a lot of trouble. When he's like this, he becomes very close to her. Gives her free reign. And she gets even worse. So disrespectful. My house right now feels so out of control.

This morning he told me we need to come up with money to pay the mediator. I don't have it. Can't pull it from nowhere. He asked if we could go out to dinner to figure it out. I can't sit in a restaurant and discuss dismantling my life.