I texted W in the afternoon today. No reply. I don't hurt Cus she didn't reply. I hurt because all the feelings of rejection and failure came flooding back to the now. I had a great gal with co workers then to the movies with the roommate. But as we said our goodbyes and I turned on my phone late tonight and saw my phone had no reply, I got in my car and lost it. Why am I here? I don't want to be here anymore. This is by far the most difficult thing I've gone through in my 27 years, I know I know I'll come out of it a stronger person but I'm the mean time it stinks and it's not where I want to be. How do I leave this crappy place? Also the lack of response makes me feel like we are seriously over. She doesn't reach out, it's exactly how I pictured divorce. Not a word. To top it off I opened Facebook and my aunt posted on her own Facebook a little happy birthday meme to my wife. Did not tag my wife (my aunt isn't too computer / Facebook savvy) and I think, wow my family really loved her and took her in and it reminds me of the amazing person she is and how I miss her terribly but w is no longer by my side. I think I'll go crazy trying to figure out where in the heck things went so wrong. My aunt is a very religious and just rational person. I think. She asked me how long I was willing to suffer and told me that I'm missing out in the now because I'm stuck in the past. My aunt also suggested I let go...I told my aunt I'm working really hard and I can't. How is it possible that 10months in and I hurt the same or almost so close to the same. The pain is there, I believe I've just gotten better at covering it up for the work day and the gal activities. I put my best foot forward yet get no where new. I just can't believe my life is turning like this. I don't want a Divorce. I didn't marry my wife to just get a divorce. I don't want to loose my wife forever. I really don't. Part of me feels like I already have...like I lost her even before BD.
-Luckily, Today is almost over. & I made it one more day..
