Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #6]

[lt0402]

All-- thank you so much for your input in my thread. Every voice helps and gives me strength.

Yesterday was a bad day emotionally, and I'm sure I'll have more, but generally I think I'm doing OK.

I don't have any emotional hangups about getting all possible help. Right after BD, I did visit my primary care physician and did get some meds, some of which helped tremendously to get through the shell shock.

I did try snooping and some backhanded stuff but I learned quickly that all it does is backfire and eat away at my own sense of integrity. I know enough and I just don't want to live like that, wondering about what my W is doing. I cancelled my FB account.

My W does not spew really. She represses her anger towards me and generally behaves like a sullen teenager, often refusing to greet me and make eye contact.

I believe I have my boundaries figured out. If/when there is an OM, I will file immediately. With respect to finances, she has not been exploitive at all. And I believe we are roughly on the same page when it comes to division of property, but I understand things can deteriorate.

Her view is, I think, that she just married the wrong guy, and she's frustrated at herself that she doesn't have the financial means to divorce me easily and move on. She's also frustrated to a degree that I'm not helping her get the divorce. If it was anything else in our life, I would have, by now, researched the options, drawn up a plan, present her with options, help her choose, and execute that plan for her. I am not going to do that with the divorce. I can't.

But ... how long do I hold that position. MLC can last years. Especially if the roots of her MLC are entwined with very deep-seated psychological issues that started back in childhood. How many years can I survive in a loveless marriage?

My W has backed off the spew and now tries to repress everything as well FG. You've seen that in my thread. At some point though, I find myself wondering if they explode. I can't imagine it's possible to repress all of that forever. What that explosion looks like I don't know. But I do find myself trying to prepare for it.

You've also seen that my W is pissed I didn't just step aside and let her take my D, out house, our finances, etc. I agree with you about not aiding them in the process. I find my W relies upon my plan execution skills as well and she seems to have trouble executing her own. It's not fun to watch them stumble through this but we can't help them.

That said, I'm struggling with the same thing you are and that's time. It's finite and the uncertainty of if/when W will become rational again is weighing on me. At some point we are left with a decision ourselves. We are not powerless to be steered by their rudder. We have full control over this and can extricate ourselves whenever we deem appropriate. Toss in the kids, however and that equation becomes a lot more complex. For me, I know that if I exercise my option to end this, I'm in for a hell of a fight to get 50/50 with my D. Scares the sh&it out of me. But still I don't think we can allow ourselves to be infinitely subject to the brutal behavior and coldness of our Ws. Right now I don't have an answer for either of us but I can share that I know your pain and angst on this. It's not fun and you, JR, and I are fighting a similar fight. Again, there's comfort in knowing you are not in this alone.

Hang in there brother!