For the sake of my daughter I have been reasonable, understanding, empathetic, permissive and overwhelmingly flexible but I'm starting to see that he's mowing over me and I need to find my courage again. How do you stand up to a narcissist?
Letting the narcissist walk over you doesn't help - you need to establish some boundaries. Fortunately my youngest was 17 when my ex left, so my co-parenting problems were less that yours, but perhaps some of the strategies I used would help you.
I trained my ex to communicate by email only. If he called, I let it go to voice mail and texted him a response. If he texted, I emailed him back and sent a text saying "check your email."
I found it lessened my stress, and for you, gives you a record of what he has said in case you ever need it in court.
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I'm tired of my daughter being so unregulated from no structure or consistency on his part (partially because he is incapable of structure and consistency but I am beginning to wonder if it's just to spite me and to battle my "authority").
Pick your battles. You cannot control what he does when you're not there. Eventually your daughter will grow up a bit and take charge of her homework and other things. In the meantime, let her fail if she has to. Don't rescue her and him from the consequences of his inattention. And don't get sucked into a power struggle over things like her bedtime. Just do the best you can with the time you have with her and let go of the rest. Odds are, once the divorce is over, he will gradually drift off and spend less time with her.
Don't give up anything important in the divorce financials just because he whines. Be firm, fair and objective. Once the divorce paperwork is signed, restrict all communication with him to essential stuff related to your child only.
Focus on building a great new life for yourself and your child and try to let go of as much as you can. Don't let him continue to gaslight you. Just keep the relationship superficial and formal - like with a stranger you met at a party - and don't let him push your buttons.
