Never good enough

[010207]

I've been reading these posts for weeks now and am currently in the middle of reading DR. I'm still learning the abbreviations so please bare with me.

My back story: My H and I are high school sweethearts. Literally the day after our marriage I thought what did I do?! He was a completely different person. I was subjected to emotional and verbal abuse for years. Didn't matter what my weight was, I was too fat (I weighed less than 100lbs when it started). I didn't do my hair right, didn't clean good enough, didn't cook well enough. He thought I should cut my hair, and after I did it, what was I thinking I should have left it long. You get the point. This applied to every aspect of my life.

When I was pregnant with my 1st child, he had an online emotional affair. After giving birth to my 2nd child, another emotional affair. After a lot of research, I believe, as does he occasionally, that he is bipolar. When he's stressed is when he seems to become manic and my life becomes wretched. That being said, my M was never perfect even without that additional problem.

With all the criticism over the years I've just stopped everything. I exist just to get through the day. My H is a serious weight lifter and all that goes with it. I no longer work out. He always gave me a hard time when I went out with friends, so that stopped years ago and I really don't have any close friends any more. I've worked from home for several years now so I get very little contact with other adults. We live on a tight budget. My H enjoys spending money and with 3 kids needing things, there's little to nothing left for me. So I don't have a lot of clothes and what I do have is not the trendiest. Another bone of contention with him.

Over the years he's not so "abusive" but will still hint or make off hand comments. Or maybe its my perception of it. It's been years since he's even hinted that he thought I was attractive. I make it sound like its horrible and sometimes it is, but its not as bad as that. There's a lot of good too.

H is not a FB poster. Can't stand when people post selfies looking for attention. The day before Thanksgiving he posted on FB with his shirt off. Which for a man shouldn't be a big deal except I knew he was doing it looking for attention. I was upset, told him and he didn't care. Progressively over the next month he posted tons of selfies, pictures of women he finds attractive and engaging in conversations really not appropriate for a married man. It got to the point where things were being said to me about it and women were boldly hitting on him knowing he was married. I tried explaining how humiliated I was and hurt, he said it was funny and proceeded to block me. He's not overly social and not a drinker. In 26 years we've been to 1 non family party. He's recently been to 5 parties and meeting up with people at the bar.

We're still in the same house, still sharing a bed but no relations. Over the last month I would say we speak maybe 2 words to each other daily. I invited him to an activity with me this past Saturday. We went and it was ok. Definitely not the same as usual but better than the last couple of months. The rest of the day we were much more friendly. Sunday, new day and back to silence. Monday I get an email telling me he's contacted an attorney.

I made sure to be gone when he got home last night. When I got home, I explained we needed to find homes for our dogs because I have been unable to find an apartment that allows them. He said he thought I should keep the house. I told him we struggle together there's no way I can do it on my own. He got angry with me, stormed out of the house and didn't come back home until after 2am. I thought maybe that was encouraging. I thought maybe he was hoping I would keep the house and keep the door to reconciliation open. But first thing this morning he said I think we should do mediation instead. Told me he's been talking to his family and they gave him a name.

I've tried my best to go dark while still living together. It's not easy. I'm trying to GAL, but it's difficult with 3 kids and the few friends I have, have family of their own to worry about. I'm trying to act as if. Its the happy part I haven't been able to accomplish yet. I'll work on it.

I'm here because I need a sounding board. I need to talk to people who know what I'm going through. But most of all I'm scared and I really could use help