Love is a decision - my story

[Seeker7]

Sandi,

You have been a tremendous insight for me and sure many others on the information that you have posted. I have started going back through your threads on many other posts and have read some of your initial threads on your sitch. You are an amazing woman and have seen many good light bulb moments in my head from your info.

Thank you for noticing my post on the forgiveness and what I want is not to just get answers form here but also help out others where I can. It does give me a sense of feeling good when I am able to help others and it is part of my AA and spiritual recovery to help out where I can. It has been a part also in my changes to GAL.

I have quit telling her I love her right after I read DR and have been following most of your rule before that. I even stopped calling her sweaty on the phone also. We only talk about fact changing stuff on the phone and mostly it is about her job and the kids. For months I would only call her 2 to 3 times a week and right before Christmas I even went down from that. Now in the past two weeks I have talked to her 4 times and every one of those she called me. I was thinking to only call her once a week if she does not call me but if you think I shouldn’t do that I will trust your judgment since you have a ton of experience in this area. As for pursing her I do not believe I am as of lately but that is only in my perspective and can be wrong. I know that when we are in these sitch we can have horse blinders on and do not see the whole picture so that is why I rely on other peoples suggestions on things when I know they are more knowledgeable and experienced about the sitch.

Well here is what I do know about my W on seeing other M. First of all she is a WW not a WAW. She did have a few other M back in March and April but they were all just hook ups that would never lead to anything more than sx. She did leave bread crumbs for me to find like paying for hotel rooms with our checking account. I did not really see it until April and set some stern boundaries. Like I checked her phone, email and any financial thing she had. We talked about it and from what I know it was more of a revenge thing and getting her emotional needs met. She did stop and I know this because of me snooping and other things going on at the time. Now once she had secured a home that she was moving to in late September I saw one of the guy’s pop back up and I confronted her about it and she deigned it but I saw the evidence. She also changed all the passwords to everything she had at that time also.

When she moved out I know she was seeing another guy for a couple of months because others told me about it and from what I have said before in my other posts. I know that guy is no longer in the pic because he dumped her. She had another guy for a couple of dates but he stood her up a few times. I know she is glued to the phone on several dating apps talking to other M. I do not believe she has found anyone yet that she is really seeing. From what she has told others is she is only looking for fun and not a R. What she craves the most is the attention and that is feed very well from the sites. . She does not bring other M over there because of the kids but she did kick out the kids one weekend so she can have a M over but that was the weekend he broke it off with her.

A few things that I know is that she does not have 15 hours a week to devote to someone right now because of her work and how much time she spends at the house. A few reasons why she is going to have a hard time to find a M to take it serious with her is as follows. One she has codependency issues and has a bit of low self-esteem. Second is that her primary LL is touch and her secondary LL is quality time and it is hard to find a man that will know them and even more be willing to fulfil them. And just so you know is that there is a book out there from the same author on the military at the end. This one is geared to military people who are deployed and want to meet that LL. It actually gave me some good insight on how to meet the need of touch when I never see her but have stayed away from that for now because it would be too pushy. Third is on emotional needs appearance falls high on the list of hers and is a lot more pick on M than many other women. Forth is she is very clingy but that has to do a lot with her LL and the other things I have stated above. Another thing is she does not blame me for the whole marriage. She has told many people about the S and has always told them that we had many good years. She even told me before she left is that she wanted the old me back because she loved him.

Yes I agree with you about my daughter. That is another thing I did destroy because of my addiction was the relationship with my kids. She even told me right after she said she was moving out that I need to work on myself and the kids and not worry about her. There were many different things she said that make so much sense now. Like when I told her how much I loved her she would tell me that love is not enough. What I have learned is that the top things a woman needs from a man it emotional security, intimate conversation for connection and to be valued which all three I failed on. I have been working on creating a better relationship with my kids and have been having a bunch of success. But it does take time because of how much I hurt them. Like my W they want proof and proof takes time through actions not words. When she moved out the kids were happy to go along and were pushing her to move also. Know both of them are talking to me and my son stops by every week or two to see me. My daughter is now answering my phone calls and talking to me a bit. I always keep the subject on about them and do not bring up my W and sometimes they tell me stuff on their own. I know they want to see us back together. I really started to make head way with my daughter on her 18th birthday last month. I picked her up and brought her over to my place and made amends with her and gave her some roses. Then I took her to the Melting Pot for dinner and had a very nice time with her and then took her home. The biggest problem is because of their ages they are not interested in spending much time with me because they are spending time with their school, work, friends, and dating. She does take more sides with my W because of their close connection but my actions are proving to them that I am not the same person as I was. Now my step son does not even talk to me but I do call him every now and again and leave a message and do send him cards every month like I do with my other kids.

I believe my sitch is different than all the others I have read is because I did have an A and because of my addiction. My problem also was never me being Mr. nice guy but the opposite. I was very self-centered, manipulative and controlling. I had no problem standing for what I wanted and actually tried to use her emotions against her to get what I wanted. I always had to be right and prove it and never apologies for when I was wrong. Know I like the saying “You can be right or you can be happy.” Now one thing I do know is because of my addiction I know the state of mind she is in. I defiantly know that there is nothing I can say that will change her desires. It will all have to come from her wanting to change because of circumstances or other people in her life influencing change in her.

I am going to continue posting and am trying to read through other peoples sich but because of being so many it is taking me time. You will continue to see more of my posts here and other places. Thank you for taking time to help me out.