Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #6]

[skyhigh]

Gump, so sorry you are feeling down. You have been through a big emotional roller coaster lately.
First even if it seems it has been forever for you, your situation just started a little bit over a year... so STOP trying to fix it/solve it in a matter of days or weeks. It takes time, months or even years. That's why you might have to start doing a few things, I am going to express ideas and give you some 2X4, so please don't be mad at me, that's what my friends who went through that ordeal did to me (with a few glasses of wine and lots of hugs).

Please DETACH, you are still letting her mood setting the tune for your mood, don't spiral down with her, so treat her as an acquaintance, be polite, nice but just start living your life on your own with your kids, she is in full REPLAY of MLC, so just plain selfish and nothing of what she will say or does actually make sense, she is just trying to figure out what she wants and one way is to push your buttons and getting into arguments with you so YOU will make the decision for her, and de facto the blame of the divorce/separation will be yours , not hers so she can tell later on to the kids, Dad was the one who wanted it.
Just ignore her, no comments, talk to her as if you were to your neighbor.

Don't leave your house under any conditions, if she wants out she has to be the one to leave, specially if you want to have the custody or the shared custody of your children.

If she is spending too much money, you need to have a talk with her and let her know that her budget will be this amount, and start separating some accounts.

Communicate with messages (kids schedule, family activities, questions in regard of the kids) to her, again keep it professional, no emotions, it will also give you proof of what you told her (no more You said, and other twisted comments,) and her answers (words and timeline), in case of a divorce (I hope not).

When she starts some spew or an argument, simply leave the room, and state your opinion in a very calm manner (Sorry you are feeling that way, but I don't agree with you, so let's agree that we disagree, I am not yelling at you so please keep your tone of voice polite...)

Set up boundaries (no OM while in this house, if you want one you have to move out I cannot and won't control you, if I catch you with one, I will kick you out and don't expect me to take the blame for it, ... remember children are learning how to behave by watching us so if you want them to learn to respect and be respected it starts at home).
GAL, it means living your life without her, keep her informed (if you are taking the kids somewhere but don't try to push her to be part of their life, you are up for a big disappointment), keep your expectations to NONE.

Make an appointment with an experienced lawyer (ask for references) so you can learn about your rights in regard of your situation and her behavior, what you can do and what you should do. Don't tell her about that, it's just for you to be informed. Don't think your situation is "special".

Make an appointment with an IC specialized with infidelity, just for yourself.

Make an appointment with your GP or a psychiatrist so you can explore to take something to help you (just a few months), you need to have those obsessing thoughts to go down (I resisted a few months, I was a fool, taking something helped tremendously), you are dealing with PTSD, even if you are a big/tough man you cannot deal with it yourself, you need help.

Take care of yourself, make changes not for her, learn how to be without her, your children needs a "sane" dad, you are the only responsible parent they have left right now.