Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #6]

[ForGump]

I'm sure you've read every book on sexual attraction.

Actually, not really ...

Why do you think she lost the sexual attraction?

Because her initial sexual attraction to me was fueled by borderline personality disorder, not genuine sexual interest.

Have you guys ever seen a sex therapist?

Saw one once (a pretty famous one too), but W felt the whole thing was hokey and would not go back.

[ForGump]

Not a good day today. Feeling down & low. When is this going to be over.

Nothing unusual happened. Except for W being super cold, acting like a sullen teenager, like I'm keeping her from her happiness.

[Gordie]

ForGump,

I feel for you. How does her coldness affect you?

How can you detach and let go?

[Gordie]

When W spews, she rages about sex and that she needs sex therapy to recover from our M...and yet she still desires sex with me...having no exposure to sexy therapy, I asked the question to see if it helped your situation

[100383]

Hugs Gump. I hear you, When is this going to be over? It's torture.

I feel sick being here, as you do. I hate the every day where nothing really happens. It just underscores the sad limbo.

You're such an intelligent, articulate, and insightful person. She's a fool to not find that attractive.

[skyhigh]

Gump, so sorry you are feeling down. You have been through a big emotional roller coaster lately.
First even if it seems it has been forever for you, your situation just started a little bit over a year... so STOP trying to fix it/solve it in a matter of days or weeks. It takes time, months or even years. That's why you might have to start doing a few things, I am going to express ideas and give you some 2X4, so please don't be mad at me, that's what my friends who went through that ordeal did to me (with a few glasses of wine and lots of hugs).

Please DETACH, you are still letting her mood setting the tune for your mood, don't spiral down with her, so treat her as an acquaintance, be polite, nice but just start living your life on your own with your kids, she is in full REPLAY of MLC, so just plain selfish and nothing of what she will say or does actually make sense, she is just trying to figure out what she wants and one way is to push your buttons and getting into arguments with you so YOU will make the decision for her, and de facto the blame of the divorce/separation will be yours , not hers so she can tell later on to the kids, Dad was the one who wanted it.
Just ignore her, no comments, talk to her as if you were to your neighbor.

Don't leave your house under any conditions, if she wants out she has to be the one to leave, specially if you want to have the custody or the shared custody of your children.

If she is spending too much money, you need to have a talk with her and let her know that her budget will be this amount, and start separating some accounts.

Communicate with messages (kids schedule, family activities, questions in regard of the kids) to her, again keep it professional, no emotions, it will also give you proof of what you told her (no more You said, and other twisted comments,) and her answers (words and timeline), in case of a divorce (I hope not).

When she starts some spew or an argument, simply leave the room, and state your opinion in a very calm manner (Sorry you are feeling that way, but I don't agree with you, so let's agree that we disagree, I am not yelling at you so please keep your tone of voice polite...)

Set up boundaries (no OM while in this house, if you want one you have to move out I cannot and won't control you, if I catch you with one, I will kick you out and don't expect me to take the blame for it, ... remember children are learning how to behave by watching us so if you want them to learn to respect and be respected it starts at home).
GAL, it means living your life without her, keep her informed (if you are taking the kids somewhere but don't try to push her to be part of their life, you are up for a big disappointment), keep your expectations to NONE.

Make an appointment with an experienced lawyer (ask for references) so you can learn about your rights in regard of your situation and her behavior, what you can do and what you should do. Don't tell her about that, it's just for you to be informed. Don't think your situation is "special".

Make an appointment with an IC specialized with infidelity, just for yourself.

Make an appointment with your GP or a psychiatrist so you can explore to take something to help you (just a few months), you need to have those obsessing thoughts to go down (I resisted a few months, I was a fool, taking something helped tremendously), you are dealing with PTSD, even if you are a big/tough man you cannot deal with it yourself, you need help.

Take care of yourself, make changes not for her, learn how to be without her, your children needs a "sane" dad, you are the only responsible parent they have left right now.

[JRuss]

FG -- I know as well as anyone that it's hard not to let W's moods impact yours, but try not to let it. I still sometimes come back to that imagery you, me and lt used to kick around -- like our W's are some sort of exotic form of wildlife, and we're the guys with the Nature shows observing them and their ridiculousness. Because that's what it is. I mean, really. You're going to pout and cover the home in dark clouds because it's just so hard and terrible being married to a guy who provides, is great with your kids, is thoughtful, intelligent, kind, patient, keeps himself in shape, and has bent over backward to improve and save the marriage? It'd be preposterous if there weren't feelings and lives involved, but there are. So this exercise only goes so far, but sometimes it helped me in that worst/most painful moment when my thoughts were otherwise kicking my ass.

[Chris73]

Make an appointment with your GP or a psychiatrist so you can explore to take something to help you (just a few months), you need to have those obsessing thoughts to go down (I resisted a few months, I was a fool, taking something helped tremendously), you are dealing with PTSD, even if you are a big/tough man you cannot deal with it yourself, you need help.

Not everyone will agree with this suggestion, but I do. 3 months after the first BD I started noticing that I was so obsessed with what was going on that couldn't concentrate on my work. I was fluctuating between panic and depression. Since then I've been on low doses of 2 medications to help with the problem. Understand that the medication doesn't make the problem go away, nor does it make you not care anymore. But it does take the edge off so that you can be productive. The most important thing to remember is to ensure that you seek a qualified Psych MD. And be patient, some meds take a couple weeks to start working.

[ForGump]

All-- thank you so much for your input in my thread. Every voice helps and gives me strength.

Yesterday was a bad day emotionally, and I'm sure I'll have more, but generally I think I'm doing OK.

I don't have any emotional hangups about getting all possible help. Right after BD, I did visit my primary care physician and did get some meds, some of which helped tremendously to get through the shell shock.

I did try snooping and some backhanded stuff but I learned quickly that all it does is backfire and eat away at my own sense of integrity. I know enough and I just don't want to live like that, wondering about what my W is doing. I cancelled my FB account.

My W does not spew really. She represses her anger towards me and generally behaves like a sullen teenager, often refusing to greet me and make eye contact.

I believe I have my boundaries figured out. If/when there is an OM, I will file immediately. With respect to finances, she has not been exploitive at all. And I believe we are roughly on the same page when it comes to division of property, but I understand things can deteriorate.

Her view is, I think, that she just married the wrong guy, and she's frustrated at herself that she doesn't have the financial means to divorce me easily and move on. She's also frustrated to a degree that I'm not helping her get the divorce. If it was anything else in our life, I would have, by now, researched the options, drawn up a plan, present her with options, help her choose, and execute that plan for her. I am not going to do that with the divorce. I can't.

But ... how long do I hold that position. MLC can last years. Especially if the roots of her MLC are entwined with very deep-seated psychological issues that started back in childhood. How many years can I survive in a loveless marriage?

[Gordie]

She's also frustrated to a degree that I'm not helping her get the divorce. If it was anything else in our life, I would have, by now, researched the options, drawn up a plan, present her with options, help her choose, and execute that plan for her. I am not going to do that with the divorce. I can't.

My W resents me for this too...crazy!

Re how long can you survive in a loveless marriage? I think only you can answer that question. If you are attached and continuing to ride on their roller coaster, then I think the answer is not very long because the physical and emotional toll is too great. If you are detached and off their roller coaster and doing your own thing, then I think there are a lot of examples on these boards of being able to stand for years...