My WW and the Great Sandi2 Experiment

[Chris73]

Came home tonight after a satisfying workout at the gym. Put the kids to bed and then sat down with my W to finalize the Disney itinerary.

I know this will make some of the board members wince (and I probably shouldn't continue calling what I'm doing the Great Sandi2 experiment), but in accordance with the advice given to me by my DB phone coach I got my W's attention and sat her down to apologize for the fight we had last night. I told her that the rage I saw in her eyes when I told her that I would not compromise was something that I never wanted to be responsible for again. And that if our primary goal right now is to ensure that our eventual divorce has the least impact on our kids we need to nurture whatever friendship remains between us and be kind to each other.

I didn't ask for a response nor did I sit around to wait for one. And I have to say that this felt good for me. It's certainly not the tough love approach that some of you are advocating and I respect that. But I think this works better for me right now.

And here's the most peculiar thing. Once that discussion was over and we sat down to discuss the Disney itinerary, I started to really pay attention to the things my W was saying and how she was acting. We were working together to discuss the plans and debating the pros and cons for some of the details.

And for the very first time I started thinking about how I might NOT want to try to save my marriage. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the way my W used to be. But it was clear through our interaction tonight that she's really changed, and not for the better. The selfishness that she disguises as her "new wide-awake self" is starting to show its true colors. She talks a good game, but I'm really starting to see that she's not thinking clearly. I also think that she drinks too much.

This gave me some clarity and might possibly have been a moment when I detached a bit further. Her unhealthy mental state and her traumatic childhood thrives on drama and conflict and I don't think she can ever be in a healthy relationship until she resolves these problems. For the longest time I thought that I would be able to help her with this, but I'm starting to realize that I can't. This is her road to travel and the best I can do is stand on the sidelines and cheer for her.

Thinking about my sitch in this way brings me a sense of peace that I haven't felt in quite a while.