Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 6)

[JRuss]

Gump --

With mine, and yours it sounds like, they seem to view "love" or "attraction" as what the other does TO them. The focus is not inward, as mine has always been. There are and always have been any number of qualities inherent to my W that, were I to have let them gain traction in my mind, would have led to me losing my attraction for her. But I just got up every day and kept the focus on what I do love about her, and put those other things "over there", safely distanced from the R, because I'd promised I'd love her, and this is how you do it, it seems to me. She just has a completely different approach. I need to affirmatively do something to her with my aura or personality or some such. I don't know that one is right or wrong, morally. I do know one approach is one that works if your goal is to stay married, and the other is pretty much always going to lead to doubt, struggle and, eventually, a trapped feeling, because there's nothing sexy about sharing a bathroom, grappling with finances, divvying up chores and carpool duties, or any of that. It takes work to set all of these mundane, non-sexy aspects of life together -- and the odd negative qualities we all possess aside -- and mine just never has grasped that, I don't think.

The road back, were it to ever come, would mainly involve our spouses getting healthier emotionally and realizing that personal happiness and contentment isn't found without or even in another person but can only be found inside themselves. That's their spiritual journey, and they're both years away, and that's only if they get going and commit to working hard to getting there. Life being short, and those odds being long, it just became increasingly clear to me that it is time to move on, time to find the the courage and self-belief to do it, and start making it happen.

I loved your mantra in your thread, btw -- just perfect.

[Gordie]

You only live once.

You'll only blow up the family once.

The holidays you'll spend alone because the kids are with me, you can't get those back. And vice versa for me -- I won't get those back. And the kids -- they won't get two-parent memories either.

Years from now, when you've plunged yourself into another relationship thinking it'll bring you happiness; when you find yourself just as dissatisfied as you are now; when you realize contentment was always to be found within, or that happiness is really to be made, not found; you'll realize then too, that you only live once, that all of the happiness that could be been made within our marriage is gone. We can't put our family back together, you can't put our marriage back together.

Yes, you might be happier after this marriage is over. But you could also feel lonely and feel just as empty.

Yes, you do only live once.

This is such a great response and would be great to share with my WW, but you know how that would go over as pleading and pursuing. This is definately how I feel and want to tell her.

Yes! Can one ever actually say this out loud to the W?

[ForGump]

JR, dunno about your W, but I just don't think my W is built that way, and she'll never be someone whose foundation for happiness is within herself.

For my next relationship ... when the time is right ... I will be very focused on whether she has that foundation, that depth of soul, to derive joy from giving to a relationship, sharing a life with another human being.

Rather than look to the outside world as stimulation for their empty soul.

[JRuss]

I think everyone's foundation is there, inside ourselves. Some will never figure it out, though, perhaps because they don't have the capacity to do so.

[ForGump]

My point is though, that my wife's personality is ... something that's been there all her life. That makes it particularly difficult and unlikely to change.

I'd guess that, despite the seriousness of her current problem w/ your marriage, her issue isn't a lifelong one.... which gives some hope. Maybe not for your marriage, but maybe at some point she'll turn things around.

[JRuss]

Mine has always had a simmering ennui that life just isn't good enough now, and if only "x" would happen, it would be good/better. Then "x" happens (or doesn't), and she realizes that, no, there's still something to pine for that will be the saving grace. Lather, rinse, repeat. For a long time, I was the good counterbalance to that, i.e., "Thank God I have you because life would really suck". Until I wasn't and became, instead, part of the bundle of things that in her mind contribute to her unhappiness.

Her spiritual path is to learn to feel and experience gratitude and to realize/understand/believe that happiness is inside her, not an outside agency that is delivered to her. Like I said, she's years away and shows no sign of even understanding her issues, let alone doing anything to get going.

I'm on my path, also with miles to go. She just won't be on that path other than as the person I co-parent with, unfortunately.

I hope your holidays are going well and you're enjoying the time with your children.

[ForGump]

OK well, then you are as screwed as I am. And I'm sorry for that. I really am.

Happy holidays, JR! Hug your kids and soak up their laughter.

What else can we do.

[JRuss]

Exactly -- nothing to do but smile and focus on the people that value that focus. Taking the kids to visit my folks this AM. They get psyched when they get to fly in an airplane!

[ForGump]

JR, any news from your end.

[lt0402]

Am also curious how you're doing JR. Hope all is well with you brother