Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 8

[PsySara]

Skyhigh,
This is tricky because previously when I have detached WH feels I am basically not caring about him anymore. We continue this cycle of him being cold and distant, not talking and being hard after we argue. Surely there is a way to disagree without argueing? Without WH jumping to the word divorce? Why is it that the cheater is the first to pull the plug? I find myself in the bizarre position of treating WH as if he is the victim, the betrayed. This is the part I struggle with the most. My fantasy would be for him to have a bulb moment and realize what a monumentally stupid/horrid thing he did to me. That he realize I am worth 100 of the OW. But she dumped him and now he thinks I am this ugly ogre or something. I only have to slip up and suddenly he is back to painting me as some witch. When he was mentioning he wanted to divorce the other night he said it was so he "could heal." It's backwards thinking like this that spins me. Heal? From what? Cheating on your pregnant wife, promising her you would never do it again and then jumping in OW's vagina mere days later so she could dump you 4 weeks later. Yeah, he needs healing, huh?

Surfer,
My mother has undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder so I picked up a LOT of maladaptive coping behavior that I largely had disposed of. However when WH began cheating I went nuts and regressed. I've been slowly regaining my ground but there is something about a cheating spouse (a remorseless one to boot) that is crazy making.

SM34,
Thank you so much for your time and insight. My WH is from Southeast Asia (moved to the US when he was a teenager) and I am a mixed mutt American. We are both Muslim, he is born and I am a convert of over 10 years. The Arabic sayings are that of religious nature. Culturally my WH is a bit of an oddball, aside from the food he doesn't have a lot of trappings of his culture. He is fluent in another language but mostly speaks when on the phone with his family. This time I am being steady as a stone, I making very small goals (spend about 30 mins a day with WH peripherally all decked out, warm, happy, sexy so he gets to observe me) Now instead of reading his coldness and grumbling as a negative thing I am viewing it more positively, as long as he is ambivalent then there is a sliver of space for me to wedge some doubt in there.I am wondering when to insert a warm touch or rub...these were things that had the most profound change in the past. The trick is finding that right moment, otherwise it explodes, ya know?

Tonight WH was very aloof and cold again. I came home from the gym and WH was already home, he quickly left to buy his dinner. In the meantime I showered, reapplied my makeup, dressed very provocatively (I admit I like making WH squirm and I know how to do it) and made the kids dinner. WH came home, barely looked at me and mumbled responses to me. He then went to play with the cat. I ran the kids bath and I heard the hallway door slam. When I bathed the kids WH was already in bed by 7pm. And there he has been since then. Meanwhile I read the kids bedtime story and snuggled on the couch until I brushed their teeth and put them to bed. I am actually very tired from the gym and feeling okay. Each day that passes without him filing for divorce is the gift of time and I am using it.

I have been doing some VERY deep introspection about my anger and how to master it. I find I don't like myself at all when reacting in anger. I say and do things I deeply regret afterward and it destroys trust and love when I react. I look back and remember how this modeled for me by my mother and her husband(s). (she is on her 5th marriage...we all need hobbies I guess) I will NOT end up being my mother.