Lex, I want to say I have been in your shoes. So I know how bad it feels. It shook me to the core to witness my W doing this.
What type of a conversation do you want to have with your W? What do you think is the problem in your situation? Where do you hope to arrive at by the end of your conversation?
When this happened to me, I had that conversation w/ my W, and there was a tearful, intense moment of reconciliation. But within days we were back right where we started. The underlying problem never got resolved. I'm not sure that the underlying problem is even correctly identified.
Good luck to you. Before you think about "how" to talk about it, you may want to think about "what" is the problem in your marriage.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
What other kind of loss should she feel? What else can I do?
I think it's healthier to think in terms of ... not what you want to do TO your wife, but what are YOUR boundaries? What are you willing to allow another person to do to you, and not allow? What are YOUR values?
Another way to think about it might be ... if roles were reversed ... your W was the breadwinner and you were, say a struggling musician trying to jumpstart your career playing at bars and coffee shops and street corners ... and you were writing love letters to some rock star ... what would your W do? Would she keep sleeping with you? Drive you to your gigs? Would she welcome you home every night, buy your next guitar, etc.?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
What type of a conversation do you want to have with your W? What do you think is the problem in your situation? Where do you hope to arrive at by the end of your conversation?
As best as I have been able to figure (she tells me nothing, won't talk about R) she doesn't believe that I appreciate her. That is what I have focused on for months now. Giving her space, showing my appreciation when it seemed appropriate. She is also worried about being financially independent but she has to fix that on her own. I do what I can already.
So either I am ineffective or she is just not believing me. If it is something else then I am blind to it.
I hope that I can just tell her how I feel and then ask where she wants to go from here and get an honest answer. If she can tell me something actionable then I would certainly do it for her.
I want her to stop talking to OM and give us a chance but if she will not then I feel like it will still be good to have all in the open and know where I stand.
What other kind of loss should she feel? What else can I do?
I think it's healthier to think in terms of ... not what you want to do TO your wife, but what are YOUR boundaries? What are you willing to allow another person to do to you, and not allow? What are YOUR values?
Another way to think about it might be ... if roles were reversed ... your W was the breadwinner and you were, say a struggling musician trying to jumpstart your career playing at bars and coffee shops and street corners ... and you were writing love letters to some rock star ... what would your W do? Would she keep sleeping with you? Drive you to your gigs? Would she welcome you home every night, buy your next guitar, etc.?
If the situation were reversed, she would react much more violently than I am about to. she definitely would not help me do anything anymore. Not sure how she would react about specific things.
Hi, Lex. I am sorry you are here. I just glanced over this thread in one sitting and can see that you are spinning all over the place. You are up and down and trying very hard to convince us (yourself) that your sitch is not so bad. I don't agree. The details of all of our sitches cannot be compared, but your W is checked out, and that is where you stand unfortunately.
I do think you have been getting very good advice here. Perhaps you don't want to take it because you are afraid it won't work? Or perhaps you don't want to accept the reality of your sitch because it's too painful? You seem very defensive, maybe you feel attacked, but I am reading that everyone wants to help you. They want you to open your eyes to the fact that your M that you knew is over. She may have bursts of doubt or affection for you, but overall she has been consistently pining for someone else and you are in denial about that. You just recently acknowledged that she would leave you for him, however this is not new information.
You seem to be searching and waiting for that perfect moment of what you can do or say that will snap her out of this fog. You are walking on eggshells trying to be the wonderful H and ready to catch her when she falls. You think that if you can blow up her world--expose her A (even if one sided)--then she will be ready so see things clearly and recommit to the M.
I am sorry, but I don't think it will play out this way. Not for you and not for anyone. DB is not about control or about convincing your W that she should be with you. DB is about taking the focus OFF of her and her every move, and putting the focus on to you, GAL, 180, and detachment. Let her go. Then one day down the line--after she has grown and can see more clearly--you will be ready to enter the difficult process of piecing. And that is only if she decides to come back.
I don't think exposing her A will bring her back to you. My guess is she may get angry and defensive--perhaps feel ashamed--and even deny all of it. You can bet that her wall will go up even higher. So if you want to expose it because it feels like the right thing to do, and you are tired of living a lie with her, then by all means do it! I know I would have done that a long time ago! I don't see living a lie with her as honorable, I actually see it as cowardly. I am sorry but I do.
However if your only reason for exposing is to win her back, then sadly I think you are in for a very painful awakening. So there is no hurry to do anything, but please hurry and let her go so you can be a better man for you.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
You are correct in all that you have said bluwave. I accept it. I know that she is not going to come back right now. Getting things out in the open still seems like the right thing to do though. I'm trying to prepare myself to do this correctly. I think I might try a coaching session.
I think bluwave was dead on. I've been there and hesitated in making big moves out of fear. The situation got to the point where I really had no option but to file.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
You are correct in all that you have said bluwave. I accept it. I know that she is not going to come back right now. Getting things out in the open still seems like the right thing to do though. I'm trying to prepare myself to do this correctly. I think I might try a coaching session.
Hello Lex23,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
It is estimated that one of every three married couples struggles with problems associated with mismatched sexual desire. Was this an issue before the abortion?
Be very cautious in how you proceed regarding exposing her EA with the emails. I agree that this is likely to backfire. She will somehow make it your fault for not respecting her privacy and it will drive her further underground.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
going to talk to one of the coaches before I pull the trigger. If anyone here has any advice for me I would still love to hear it. I know that I have my own problems on which I am already working. However, right now I am preparing to confront the W and her affair. This cannot go on any longer.
W continues to turn up the heat and celeb continues to ignore these parts of her emails, answering only business/fan type stuff. Today W said that she wished she was in Hollywood now because then she would be with her king.
It's amazing to me she can keep going further and further when he does not reply. I guess a few lines from him is enough to keep her hoping.
