Love is a decision - my story

[Seeker7]

Apology:

An apology says, “I value this relationship, and I want to deal with this problem.” The refusal to apologize says, “I do not value this relationship, and it’s okay with me if we continue to be estranged.”
We cannot force an apology but we can extend the olive branch and express our willingness to forgive.

There are five languages of apology. Each person has a different language.

First – Expressing regret – “I’m sorry.”

Second – Accepting responsibility – This apology begins with the words “I was wrong.” Then you go on and explain what you were wrong about.

Third – Make restitution – You ask “What can I do to make it right.”

Fourth – Genuinely expressing the desire to change your behavior. – It is a plan so you will not do it again. “I will do my best to never do that again. I have made changes in my life.”

Fifth – Requesting forgiveness – “Will you please forgive me?”

When you make an apology to someone close to you that you have deeply hurt you should use all five.

If you want to make and apology for all other things not a bad you should say “I’m sorry, I was wrong, please forgive me?”

You are responsible to apologize for your wrongs but if they do not forgive you, you are not responsible.

Ok on to my sitch. On the second week of W moving out I asked her to forgive me and she could not do that yet. I understand now it was because it was too soon and there was not enough change in me to be sounding genuine. But during the course of my recovery in AA I got to the part of the process that I start going around and making amends to everyone that I have harmed. I have made amends with my kids first. Then I had to talk to the W so when I started going around to all of the other family members she would not be able to say that I did not offer to her before everyone else. So in the second week of December she called me.

I told her that I made amends with the kids. I told her that the only way I can make a full amends to her if we could sit down one on one so I can do it face to face. She said she was not ready for that yet and then I said “I am so sorry on how I treated you and hurt your feelings and I was very wrong on how much I hurt you. Will you please forgive me?” She did not say anything so I told her that I would continue to ask her over time to she is ready and left it at that. My apology was genuine and she knows it is a process in my recovery. She even mentioned it to a mutual friend that it was an apology but she never forgave me and it was not everything I needed to say. I know this is a very important part of the first steps towards the R process. My question is how often should I ask her? Should I wait for a sign? Should I ask her ever month or so since she does not give me any resistance or argument about it? When will I know to ask her again?

She will never come to me and I know that persistence in this matter will help but I do not want to be too persistent. I do not want to force it on her but from all I learned this is a very important process. Please feel free to give any other insight that anyone has. Past experiences or what they have done.

One thing that will always remain true is that we will always have to have some kind of relationship because we have kids together. Our lives will be entertained for the rest of our lives in one way or another.