Love is a decision - my story

[Seeker7]

Forgiveness:

Ok since my sitch is different than any other threads I have read and have read a lot of Sandi’s (you have been a tremendous help thank you) post on the WW wife I understand that there are two important things that have to be done to win the love of my W back. First she has to be able to forgive me for what I did to her and second is I have to win her respect back. Correct me if it should be the other way around. As you can see I did cause her a lot of emotional pain and hurt her heart deeply. I know that I am not responsible for how she feels but I am responsible for what I did.

I have done a lot of reading on resentment and bitterness; also have done a lot of reading on forgiveness. Also since I am AA I have talked to many different people about this also because forgiveness and making amends is a very big part of the program.

Harboring of resentment and bitterness is the #1 cause of depression in the US.

First of all there are four stages of bitterness:

Stage 1 – Unresolved anger – An angry conflict that is not resolved to the satisfaction of both parties can lead to one or both of the parties starting down the path towards bitterness. The intensity of the feelings is directly related to how close the offender is to us. We all have a choice to hold on to the hurt or to forgive the other.

Stage 2 – Festering – Defined as a progressive irritation. People demonstrate the following:

a. Develop a self-preoccupation with the details of the conflict, especially the words and actions of the offender.
b. Feel the injustice of the wrong done to them. They develop a self-righteous attitude.
c. Start to worry about how the conflict will end. This becomes an endless action going nowhere and not resolving the conflict.

Stage 3 – Resentment – Defined as a feeling of indignant displeasure because of something regarded as wrong, insult of other injury. People show the following.

a. Evil thoughts toward the offender in their mind.
b. Withdraws for the offender and his allies using hostile silence. Develops a lack of trust in others and loss of personal confidence.
c. Develops a critical sarcastic attitude toward those around them causing others to stop relating. This action leaves the person more isolated.

Stage 4- Bitterness – Defined as an intense or severe suffering of the mind.

a. Bitterness can develop from real or imagined hurts. The bitter person becomes preoccupied with the hurt of the other person. The other Person’s guilt always seems so real.
b. Bitterness is like a prison – Trapped and closed in – felling intense inner turmoil.
c. Develops envy – Painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another.
d. Continuing to hold onto bitterness becomes a sin – can also become an idol.

Anger occurs – anger is unresolved and held in – Offended party mulls over the painful events that caused the anger – resentment grows – bitterness develops – bitterness expressed – isolation occurs – physical and mental problems develop – bitterness becomes a way of life.

Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.

Forgiveness:

There are two reasons that people do not forgive and usually it is a combination of the two.

1. People do not know how to forgive.
2. People hold on to it because they believe that it will hurt the other person.

What forgiveness is not:

The passing of time will never remove the barrier. Barriers are removed by sincere apologies and genuine forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not a feeling but a decision. It is the decision to offer grace instead of demanding justice. Forgiveness removes the barrier and opens the possibility for the relationship to grow.

First, Forgiveness does not destroy our memory.

Second, forgiveness does not remove all the consequences of wrongdoing.

Third, Forgiveness does not rebuild trust.

Fourth, forgiveness does not always result in reconciliation.

Fifth, Genuine forgiveness is the only thing that will keep roots of bitterness.

Reconciliation requires working through differences, finding new ways of doing thing, solving the conflicts of the past, and learning how to work together as a team.

Forgiveness does not remove all the hurt nor does it automatically restore loving feeling but forgiveness is the first step in processing hurt and restoring love.