NYGal: Together and Doing the Work

[NYGal]

Hi Storm. W, ow and I all work at the same place. W and ow are in meetings together about once a month. I sometimes see ow in my building or in hers. On Wednesday she will actually be speaking to a committee of which I'm a member (tee hee - can't wait.) I will be front and center and hope to ask her about ethics and Human Resources -- the department she heads. LOL.

I wish more than anything that W and I could leave this place, or that ow would just go somewhere, anywhere, far away. But it's not happening any time soon. So I just deal with it. W and I have an agreement that whenever they see each other -- a meeting or just by chance, she will tell me. If your W and OM work in the same small office, that's harder. However, if she has agreed to work on it with you and if it is absolutely O.V.E.R. then all you can do is try to trust her. Trust but verify. W has blocked ow on her phone. Of course they can always communicate via email, or on the office phone, but again, we have an agreement that W will tell me if ow tries to contact her. I have to believe that W won't try to contact her. And frankly, she did not hold true to that promise for the first few months. I think it's better now. I don't believe she has contacted ow, or vice versa, for about 2 months.

We did see ow at a work party, and that was the last time they saw each other.

So, what worked for me? Mainly the promise that she will tell me if they run into each other or if there is any other contact. If your W and the OM see each other regularly, and it has been a long time, then I suspect the A has truly died out. As long as you and W continue to work on your M, and as long as you are enjoying each other, I think you can probably let your guard down a lot.

This is important. There came a point where I realized that W was doing everything she could do to reassure me, and I was the one causing the problems because I couldn't let it go. She may not have been doing everything I wanted her to (I wanted her to email ow early on and tell her to never contact her again, but W refused to do that, saying she wanted to handle it her own way), but she was doing everything she felt she could do. And ultimately it was important for her to feel like she was freely choosing to avoid contact rather than having me enforce it.

It takes time. But we just have to take the risk of being fooled again. I came to realize that losing her again because I couldn't let myself forgive or trust her would be worse than just taking the risk of being fooled all over again. So I chose to trust (mostly... I still verify when I can!) and to risk being the fool. So far, so good!