Sandi2, I agree with a lot of what you are saying. I think i am thinking clearly, and selling my truck has crossed my mind before she dropped D. It was a hobby for me in my younger days, but it seems i have outgrown it. I have considered it to take too much time and too much money and I'm not into that. My thinking was to sell it, payoff debt, sell some guns because i have too many, and more of the same kind, store the rest away from the house.
A little back story. When she met me, and i proposed to her, i did have a lot of debt, but i had cool cars. I built a car from ground up since i was 18 and still had it when i met her but it didn't run. I loved that thing. When i met her, I kind of outgrew it, and i sold it to buy her the wedding ring she wanted. I didn't mind and never brought it up. She knew i liked it, how special it was to me, but i never drove it. It was my idea then to sell it even though she wanted me to keep it. I feel like i went down a selfish road with this truck to just be a jerk.
I don't feel like I'm turning myself inside out to please her, but merely acknowledging what she has said, and acknowledging my past behavior. I have given it thought. a lot. I haven't told her id do anything for her to her face, but in my internal mind, yes i would. I have detached from her since the last time i saw her, been staying on the boat i work on since friday, and she's been texting me telling me to have a good day.
I can't honestly tell you what kind of person i was when she fell in love with me. Maybe it was i was young (26), had my own house, friends, was nice to her, took her places, supported her, and didn't really sit around. I was way more active i guess. Im just trying to go back to being part of that person. With honor and loyalty.
So Im working on myself, getting out of debt, for myself, changing my outlook on a lot of things. Have more compassion for things i didn't use to.
In this M, and talking with a DB coach this morning, i can i am confident I'm making the right decision. I know she doesn't want kids, and part of me doesn't either. I think i was using it as a ploy for control, because maybe she definitely wouldn't leave? I feel i was never ready for it when i was asking her, and she probably saw that too.
I do want to be the man she wants. Im just growing out of my petulant phase of pleasing the wrong people, and not being caring and supportive, but being uncaring and selfish. Im just trying to show her that I'm growing up, and don't need nice things to be happy, don't want to be stressed. ( The truck really stressed me and her out).
The DB coach really brought a lot into perspective. She does know how to push my buttons, and I am not letting her do it. She wants to get a reaction out of me, and I'm not doing it. Instead I'm 180 with myself and i making my own decision about selling my stuff.
