I'm Back :(

[Laowai]

FWIW,

I do think is a valid question to answer. I respectfully disagree, Vapo. It had nothing to do with her giving up.

I'm glad you chimed in. I felt that this was a situation that I should be honest and true to myself fo I did respond. Here is the remainder of the conversation:
W-Your reasoning and motive behind your thoughts. Do you feel an obligation because we are married...
Me-No, it's not out of obligation. It's because I love you and you are my whole world, and because with us getting help I truly believe we can have a happy and healthy relationship. My counselor believes the same thing but she only knows my side of all of this. Of course I've explained my faults in the marriage and she is adamant that they are stereotypical marital issues that are surmountable
W-Ok thank you for being so honest
Me-anytime


Now, I believe this goes against all of the DB rules. However, I feel like this was a time that I should be true to myself and be honest about the way that I feel. All of what I said was 100% true. My counselor is truly adamant that if my W and I would just try at this point we could definitely get a very happy and healthy marriage. I am making monumental progress on some personality traits that will be permanently changed for the better after this. While it will most likely take some "maintenance" therapy sessions for a very long time to come, I am more than willing to do this for myself and my future relationship whether that be with my W, or someone else. I truly hope it is with my W though of course. These changes are also improving my other relationships, especially professionally.

[Ginger1]

Ahhhh, so you did answer.

You didn't go against ALL the DB rules. I think answering it was the right move. But "No, it's not out of obligation, it's because I love you." would have been enough. In the rest you applied pressure and did the opposite of validating her telling her what she should be capable of doing.

But from her on out I would just keep your answers as simple as simple as possible. She did thank you for your honesty and that is good.

[Laowai]

Ahhhh, so you did answer.

You didn't go against ALL the DB rules. I think answering it was the right move. But "No, it's not out of obligation, it's because I love you." would have been enough. In the rest you applied pressure and did the opposite of validating her telling her what she should be capable of doing.

But from her on out I would just keep your answers as simple as simple as possible. She did thank you for your honesty and that is good.

Thanks for your response! Darn it! I hate that I messed that up! Oh well, it was all the truth and it is how I feel. I suppose I'll try not to beat myself up too bad. I will definitely take your advice into consideration if another message like this comes through.

[Sotto]

Hi, in answer to your question about £ detriment. For me that was short term only. We were pretty wealthy, but I left our marital home, the area and my job at BD. Then I had little in the way of cash for two years until £ issues were resolved.

As for her Q, fine to answer I think & I agree with Ginger. Watch out for invalidating comments though - ie: your Q is pointless - you saw the reaction that got? She gave up - don't bother etc.

Better to say - interesting Q - or even 'why do you ask that?'

It's all a learning curve...so what have you done for yourself these past few days? :-)

[Laowai]

Thanks for the feedback. Yeh, I definitely messed that up. I'm bummed about it but I can't take it back.

Well, Friday I went to the gym with a buddy in the morning then work. Didn't do anything Friday evening or Saturday. We had a snow storm come through and since we aren't equipped to handle that for our roadways down here I didn't get to go out (although I probably wouldn't have anyway with the way that I was feeling.)
Yesterday I met up with an old colleague and played pool for a few hours, then drove about an hour to meet another friend for dinner and pool. Came home and attempted to work out, but I was still too sore from Friday's workout to do much. I tried not to do too much snooping, although I did find that W spent the night with OM on Saturday night which upset me of course. It was odd to me that she spent the night with him, then the next day asked me the above question.....but I suppose that's just mindreading.

[Vapo]

Oh for [censored]'s sake...

Quit with the snooping already. Now you have proof that she's doing OM and still you do not give yourself a break. You are a masochist... What possible good could continuous snooping do you?

You are working yourself in a real funk...

[ForGump]

It's a good sign that your W's temp checking you.

(But don't let it go to your head!)

[ForGump]

Totally makes sense to me that your W slept w/ OM then temp checked you. WW's are confused. They have their feet in two worlds.

But Vapo is right. You know enough about where your M is. Snooping is only going to F up your own head, make you miserable.

[MoveFrwd]

But "No, it's not out of obligation, it's because I love you." would have been enough.

Yep.

Do you see why?

[Vapo]

It's a good sign that your W's temp checking you.

(But don't let it go to your head!)

Temp checks are very common. There is no reason to assume it to be a good sign (alas).

Try not to have any expectations. Expectations will kill you an inch at a time. It is OK to have hope, but have no expectations.

Time for your W to change her thinking will likely be months or years instead of weeks and days.

I know you are looking for that illusive silver bullet, one word or action that could turn things around for you.

There is no silver bullet...