Finding ME again

[Courage]

Hi. I used to be ss06 from way back in 2014. Remember me?

I feel like I've completely lost track of so many who helped me through some very dark times. People who reminded me that I WAS strong, that I WAS fierce, that I HAD courage and that there was room for me to grow no matter the direction of my marriage. I want to reconnect. I want to give the support that I received here, that helped me wake up every morning and put one foot in front of the other, breathe in and breathe out, GAL and figure myself out. I need to relearn everyone's names and reconnect them to past stories.

Here I am in the midst of surviving the Big D process and I feel like it will just never, ever end. Divorce to me feels like slowly pulling duct tape off my mouth but since the tape has been there for 18+ years, my skin is being pulled off with it.

Frustration, fear, anger, fury, resentment, sadness, grief... I feel these things every day NOT over the loss of my marriage. No. I feel them while trying to co-parent with my STBX, while trying to go through this painstaking process of divorce. It feels like it's about retribution for him. It feels like his intention is to cause as much pain, gaslight, confuse and spew in my direction in an effort to get what he wants and by god he's going to assert his dominance as much as possible.

For the sake of my daughter I have been reasonable, understanding, empathetic, permissive and overwhelmingly flexible but I'm starting to see that he's mowing over me and I need to find my courage again. How do you stand up to a narcissist? They always say "don't engage" but I have to raise a little human with this person and I don't know how.

I'm tired guys. I'm tired of him saying horrible things to me and me being the bigger person and taking the reasonable path. I'm tired of anxiety because i have no idea what his next move will be. I'm tired of my daughter being so unregulated from no structure or consistency on his part (partially because he is incapable of structure and consistency but I am beginning to wonder if it's just to spite me and to battle my "authority").

Anyway, all of that to say that I am happy to catch up with many of you and to provide some support while we all walk this path.