Working on a Trial Separation Agreement with MLC H

[ccgrrl]

I’m having a hard time with the whole MC thing, as well as IC…
So here’s the lowdown on how this has been going. For about 6-8 weeks after BD this past October, H was pouring his heart out to me, often sobbing, really having trouble sleeping, etc. He told me each time he talked to me or a friend (he was referring specifically to a mutual friend of ours and a friend of his from childhood who lives thousands of miles away) he definitely felt better. Because he was so clearly depressed and I was concerned about his safety, I urged him to talk to someone and even helped him locate one our insurance covered. He refused for most of that early time and then started seeing the IC about 6 weeks in.

Gradually, since he started talking to the IC, he has also been spending more time with other “friends” whom I don’t know. As I said earlier, this includes at least one OW with whom he is having an EA, even though he doesn’t see it that way. Likewise, he has been talking less and less to me and not at all to our mutual friend. He seems to prefer talking to people who do not know me and have no intimate knowledge of our R.


I did get him to agree to MC and we have been twice. The first time was okay, we both felt it was a good fit. In between the first and second, I immediately began to see important patterns in our communication that were leading to most if not all of our R problems. I was very excited to get back to the next session. Unfortunately, the second time our appointment came right after a fight in which I let my jealousy about the OW show. That overshadowed the whole session and instead of discussing the breakthrough that I had been eager to talk about, we spent time talking about whether or not he was having an affair and how quickly he could divorce me because he is sick of dealing with me.

In order, I think, to make him feel like he wasn’t spinning in circles she told him he should go ahead and find out what the logistics are for getting divorced in Massachusetts because she wasn’t 100% sure and thought we had to live apart for a certain period. Well, he did his homework and MA is a no-fault state with no requirement to live apart before filing and also has no legal separation , only some sort of court order for support during a separation.

A few days after that session we started talking about this trial separation thing and I did actually put in writing (I gather that’s not what I’m supposed to have done, as I read through other threads) how I felt about the three options we have: divorce -not interested and it is unnecessary; stay together in-house separation - works only if we are working on our marriage because it’s very upsetting and confusing; and finally, trial separation of 6 months or so “to help us both see what’s happening much more clearly, and will ease our family into whatever changes are about to happen.” I put it that way because he kept saying in session that I was just in denial that our relationship is over and I wanted to be clear that what I need right now is the space to grieve the end of the old relationship and to allow each of us to figure out if our new lives will or will not be as a married couple.

The MC said she’d like to proceed by seeing us separately for the next 2 sessions and then bring us back into the room again together the 3rd week. I am scheduled to go first and our session is tomorrow. I am feeling like there is really no purpose in the counseling if it isn’t to work on the relationship and that can only happen when he is able to let go of his anger and hurt and resentment and start entertaining the possibility of a future that does not include divorce. Since I can’t make him do that and he’s busy printing out information to show her about how easily he can divorce me, what should I do? Is there any way she can help me? Should I just go to my own IC to vent about all of this and find my way, or has anyone found MC helpful at this point in the process?

Appointment is tomorrow (1/10) at 12:30 EST, so anything you can tell me before will be helpful. My heart is pounding out of my chest and I am utterly confused about how to proceed.