My WW and the Great Sandi2 Experiment

[Chris73]

Just finished with the coaching session and everyone on this board is correct when they describe that the DB coaches will take a softer stance over the tough love advocated here.

I know Sandi2 makes a distinction between the walk-away wife and the wayward wife. But I tried to share as many details about my sitch with the coach (everything that I've already shared here, in summary at least, trying not to leave out any major events) and he describes my W as a WAW, but I realize that the DB coaches don't make the distinction between the two types.

He described my W's mindset this way:

"I know everything there is to know about my H. There's no mystery left. He's never going to change the behavior that I object to and even if he does, it will only be temporary in order to trick me back into the marriage. So the only way I can truly be happy is if I walk away from this marriage."

This description seems fair for the most part. Although I do agree with Sandi2's additional observations that my W has lost respect for me and is taking advantage of the situation to be selfish.

My coach advised that try to "lovingly detach." My attempt to fight over the MBR (3 separate times now), ask her to move out (on more than one occasion), and suggest that we separate finances come off as punitive in nature. And for a woman who already considers me to be selfish and self-centered, this might not be the best course of action.

My coach said that when interacting with my W I need to ask myself, "What is the negative reaction that she's expecting from me" and do the opposite.

He said that I should interact with her as if she were a sibling, friendly most of the time but if she starts a conflict just walk away.

He said I should start to regain some self-respect and not use every action I make to be an opportunity to show her that I'm changing.

He advised me to continue with the in-home separation since we've both agreed upon waiting until the end of the school year before physically separating. He says that I should try to use this extra time to my advantage instead of trying to speed up the divorce.

He advised me to NOT force the issue with the MBR and that if I'm going to sleep downstairs that I should take ownership of that space. Turn it into exactly what I would want it to be if I were a bachelor.

Most importantly he told me to be very aware of my mental state when I feel compelled to initiate R talks. It's obviously not the times when I feel positive and confident, but rather when I'm angry or sad or tired. Continuing to "sales pitch" the marriage is in fact a very selfish act because I'm basically saying to her, "I'm hurting. Fix this for me." So when I get the urge to start R talks I need to do something else, even if it means leaving the house.

So for now, I think I'm going to follow the coaches advice on all this. It's a much softer approach than the advice I've gotten here, but I'm starting to think that my tough love approach is just "more of the same" as far as my W is concerned. I will continue to make positive changes for myself and GAL and I will use the Disney trip to reinforce these changes by showing my W that I am fun to be around.

I'm sure some of you on the board will not agree with this approach and I totally respect that. But this feels better for me. I will report back as things progress.