I filed - Anxious to get it over

[fightin]

Thank you for the input everyone. I really do want to fully heal so I may decide to stop seeing her. I won't see her again for at least the next 2 weeks so I will take that time to step back and really think about it all.

Cheesyt, to answer your question, yes, I am done. In talking with my IC and just in thinking about my M there were some clear signs that it wasn't a healthy one for either of us. My STBXW's behavior of putting her own feelings before mine were more of a pattern than an out of the blue thing just because of OW. My constant need for approval from her stressed her out and wasn't good for her either.

Put all that aside and I believe 100% that even if I were willing to work on our M still she wouldn't be. She'd say all the right things, but she wouldn't be willing to do any work on her end. It would be all about what I need to change to make it work for her. I don't want to be in that kind of R again. It was always about what she didn't like about me and I just want to feel free to be myself. We had a pretty rocky R in a few ways, there was always the threat of one of us walking away for one reason or another. This wasn't her first A and because of that I was always guarded, always on edge. I don't believe we could ever truly be right enough for one another. There was a lot of hurt that just stuck around for me and I just held it all in trying to make it work because I didn't want to fail again, but that's no way to live.

I want to do this right, the healing, for myself, so I will definitely take all the input into consideration and give myself some time over the next couple of weeks to really mull things over. I'm super great at over analyzing everything so it should be fun! Ha!