WAS or what 9

[roist]

Each day I say things in my head as if saying to you guys but I don't take the time to actually write. There is not much to say about my W and or us. Life goes on. It is not a good life, but this year I am determined to change that. I will do all I can within the confines of my situation. There is so much more I can squeze into my life. A good friend of mine here (Zephyr) has pointed out that I am holding myself back. He is not wrong.

This year I have so many goals and actions that I will take but the year has started by some external stresses/issues. These have taken my focus time and energy. Last year or probably any other year I would have been crippled by these. Heck back when depressed I would by contemplating suicide. But this year I am struggling forward finding solutions and taking actions.

My outlook on stuff has changed. For example this weekend our heater broke. I found solutions to heating the house and worked on finding a solution. It took a lot of my time sat/sun but I got it going again.
I actually glad of the situation. I understand better now the workings of the heating system and that pleases me. I would have preferred doing something else but I benefited from the problem.

During all this my W made comments about it being the worst weekend ever, a comment she made about NYE too. I tried to validate her frustration but did have to tell her to speak to me in a different manner a few times. I may have been a bit short with her but I didn't get sucked into a fight.

I can see, hear and feel that my W is not happy. I feel for her. I know how she feels. I came across a letter I wrote to myself almost TEN years ago. Even back then things weren't great between us. I was slipping into my.depression and didn't realise it. Maybe being unhappy about us contributed to being depressed. I think so.

I ended my letter by telling myself that the first step was to establish a better situation with my W and then have fun. Looking back we never looked deep to finding a better way in our R. I don't think our M problems date back TEN years but there were some cracks. Plus I was unhappy with us. Unhappy with how we got along, not us being a couple.

A few years after that letter I hit rock bottom with depression and since I have been a LBS. I am just stating facts and not blaming myself. But the more I look back the further back go those cracks. I never had rose coloured spectacles looking back on our R but will admit seeing a future with those spectacles.

Finding that letter today made me nostalgic and also wonder about how the last ten years have been for my W. Not great apparently.But for whatever reason she hasn't left.at least not physically. That is great but eventually that will not be enough for me.

Her parents seem to be living a similar situation.Her mother seems to live in another room. Her dad was/is depressed. They both ooze of resentment towards each other. I have worked hard to remove my resentment with relative success. I am not bitter against my W but not happy with our situation. I have beaten my depression.My IC once commented that my W's issues with me could really be about her dad. Idk but I have cleaned up that part of me.

That was a long ramble. Thanks for reading.

Best wishes