A stronger me for whatever the future holds

[Seeker7]

Pac I read through all your threads and it is really good that you came this far. I really does give us all hope that things can turn around if we do what we need to do especially for ourselves. I know my sitch is a bit different but I know I am in it for the long hall. I also started praying and getting much more spiritual with my life. I really hope things keep going positive for you.

[PacLove]

How are things going this week?

So far good, we had a longish ~15 min call last night after she said good night to D. random IM throughout the weekend but I'm definitely holding back a little.

W suggested a date next weekend - so that will be our first "alone together" time. in some of our IM that took place I re-emphasized I want to be sure she's gone NC before proceeding and she understands (but has not yet said that has happened)

Why did your W choose S and not D? My W has told me the same thing.

Hi Gordie - not sure what you mean - I think she chose S as she never really gave up on the M but knew that she needed space to figure things out. Early on she said she didn't want to be married, just wants to be alone etc. etc... but that's starting to turn around now where she is recognizing the value of having a relationship and a life partner.

[Gordie]

Hi Gordie - not sure what you mean - I think she chose S as she never really gave up on the M but knew that she needed space to figure things out. Early on she said she didn't want to be married, just wants to be alone etc. etc... but that's starting to turn around now where she is recognizing the value of having a relationship and a life partner.

I ask because my W has gone through phases:
Sep - I don't want to be married
Oct - I want a D
Dec - I want a S

I try not to mind read, but I do wonder what the thinking is behind these changes.

[PacLove]

Hi Gordie - not sure what you mean - I think she chose S as she never really gave up on the M but knew that she needed space to figure things out. Early on she said she didn't want to be married, just wants to be alone etc. etc... but that's starting to turn around now where she is recognizing the value of having a relationship and a life partner.

I ask because my W has gone through phases:
Sep - I don't want to be married
Oct - I want a D
Dec - I want a S

I try not to mind read, but I do wonder what the thinking is behind these changes.

That sounds familiar - D was mentioned multiple times over the course of our Separation - she would always bring it up "do I want a D" too which I always said not interested... she even brought up "legal separation" as recently as Oct. I don't try and mind read anymore - just ignore it and take your own path. There's a lot of confusion in their minds and they don't know what they want, the best thing you can do is offer stability and continue to improve yourself. Be the attractive H!

[PacLove]

One other quick tidbit... they are likely seeking the advice and opinions of many others which tears at them and what they really want. The OM is a powerful force, as are their friends and their IC if they are seeing one. What is not a powerful force is us - they have made it clear they have no interest in our opinion right now.

My W shared with me that her IC was pushing her towards D as well as ending the A. But something inside her was fighting back against that.

[ForGump]

PacLove, to the extent that you understand your WW... what is the difference, in her mind, between D & S? (Maybe it also depends on the legal framework of where you live). What would an S get her instead of a D?

Also, do you know why your W's IC was pushing her toward a D? Was she just trying to make your W be decisive, take control of her life, and be happy?

Just curious.....

[PacLove]

PacLove, to the extent that you understand your WW... what is the difference, in her mind, between D & S? (Maybe it also depends on the legal framework of where you live). What would an S get her instead of a D?

Also, do you know why your W's IC was pushing her toward a D? Was she just trying to make your W be decisive, take control of her life, and be happy?

The difference is formal vs. informal. To this date she has told very few people about the separation. I think it's a sense of pride and she's also a very private person. Perhaps shame also was a part of it. She didn't want to be seen as someone that was giving up on the M.

As for her IC, he was basically saying our relationship was not healthy and I'm not capable of change. He's Div. himself and TBH didn't really seem like a good IC based on what W has told me about him. I honestly believe he was creating more a divide in our relationship as of late than the OM. too bad...

[PacLove]

So need some advice here... W is initiating R talks and trying to connect with me daily wanting to work on "us" but take things slow. She hasn't confirmed NC with OM yet though, she knows she needs to do it as we discussed it early on last week and I reminded her the other day that it's important for us to move forward.

Do I hold off on anything until she does it? or hold back a bit? do I give it as an ultimatum? Or just let things run it's course and let her drive the relationship letting her make the decision on her own to go NC.

I'm reluctant to try and control her, and do sense she knows and wants to go NC but is struggling with it.

Her actions have changed indicating that contact is definitely diminished (I don't think she's physically seen him for 2+ weeks but can't confirm for sure) but suspect she's still talking with him regularly.

[BillyHo]

I can only hope to be where you are some day. With that said, I would think it is very important that she commits to NC with OM. If she is sincere and all in on reconciliation it is imperative that there is no third party involved. Otherwise it would feel to me she is just hedging her bet in case she changes her mind.

[ForGump]

If it were me, I'd take it reeeal slow while your W makes this transition. No time limits, no ultimatums. Respond and maintain contact, be warm. But as long as she has contact w/ OM, the content of your conversation should reflect that reality, i.e., don't let your optimism push the conversation too far into the comfortable marriage territory.

But heck, what do I know....