Working on a Trial Separation Agreement with MLC H

[HaWho]

Cc - you are receiving excellent advice from Job, who has been my guardian angel through all this.

Just wanted to touch on a few things, that might help. Make sure you are deleting your history off your computer and other devices so that your kids and h do not see what you post. Don't forget devices are synched.

Try not to mind read. You mentioned earlier that you feel by completing the separation contract you are showing him support. However, you have no idea how he will view it. He may view it as you giving him the thumbs up to have an affair or maybe he'll think you are edging him out.

As you are seeing their perception is skewed. When my h went down to his re-created dorm room he told me he was done with me and insisted I leave him alone. He said he didn't even want me walking the dog with him! Months later he told me it hurt him that I never came to sleep with him. I reminded him of all he had said and he answered "oh yeah, that's right." That skewed perception/memory had him convinced he was the victim when in reality, I merely was honoring his boundaries.

So, another thing that helped me tremendously was to learn to do nothing. Doing nothing IS doing something as he has to make his own choices. Don't give him easy outs. If you're reading my thread you'll see that my h had lots of ideas but he didn't happen to implement many of them. However, most MLCers cut and run.

Here's a big concept I wish I had mastered earlier: kill him with kindness. Be very polite and cordial. Treat him like a houseguest. They do push buttons hoping we'll toss them out so that they can live the life they want. However, do read up on boundaries as I am in no way saying appease him. (Like you I lived on eggshells for quite some time. It was so gradual until one day I looked around and saw how all consuming it was.)

From what I have seen the live-in MLCer recreates his/her childhood home. They use the spouse to work through those past issues. Some of them use OW, too. These are people who were stunted and will literally grow up again.

By the way, I grew up in MA as well! I am from the western part of the state but moved to the Boston area after college. I miss the woods!

Let me know if I can answer any questions for you.