MLC W and preparing for S or D in the new year

[SM34]

Definitely don't focus on OM. And don't talk to her about him. The single guy type OM who is in an active A with a married woman is not the threat. He isn't taking this seriously. And when she's with him she mentions you (it's inevitable since you share kids) and it causes him to be insecure. Don't fixate on that kind of loser. He's just as broken as she is, if not more so. No confidant alpha male type guy is going for a married woman. I would bet all my money he's having some kind of crisis of his own and she's his bandaid as much as he is hers.

The threat to your marriage and to your family right now is you. You are your biggest hurdle. Her situation will blow on her at some point, our age and our experience tells us it's inevitable. The question is what happens after that.

OM is a crutch. He's helping her feel better about what she's doing. He's what they call an enabler. He's telling her she needs to look out for herself and her happiness, she's telling him stories that are based on a heavily re written history. A sad story of how she was never happy with you. She never loved you. And you never treated her well. All a complete load of BS.

She also has a friend or two who are doing the same. Look out for those too. They are usually recently divorced or never married type who want to bring another recruit onboard their train wreck if a life. Your wife will know which of her friends are supporting her poor choices and she will gravitate to them. The ones who challenge her to look within herself for answers to why she's unhappy, those are her real friends. But she will stay away from those right now. It cramps her style to be with those losers...that's what she tells herself. They don't really know her as well as the friends who support her cut and run. The reality is the opposite. And she will realize that one day.... but not soon. The enabling friends are sometimes called "orbiters". They orbit your wife and support her decision and want to be a part of the new and improved her. Don't try to talk to her about these things because it doesn't work. She'll think you are trying to control her and she'll put you in the group that doesn't understand her.

You mentioned she says she's clear on what she wants. If she was clear she would be long gone, like many of the wives in here. What makes your situation similar to mine is that she isn't gone. And in a lot of ways things are about the same between you. With the exception of the third wheel.

The coaches have the right idea in my opinion. Many will try to convince you to blow up her world. Kick her out. Changes the locks. But I think there is a reason why coaches tell you to try to build a connection with her rather than moving quickly to distance and end this stale mate. And the reason is that she is one foot in and one foot out. If you push her she will shift the other foot out. If you build connections she will first lift the outside foot up into the air then try to figure out where she's going to drop it. You want to be the best decision.

This is NOT competing with OM. This is not about being better than him because we already know you are. Your wife is not trying to decide between OM and You, she's trying to decide YOU or NOT YOU.

Now. We've gone through all the thought process for your wife and for OM. Let's focus on you for a minute.

What would you say is the single most important problem in your marriage?

Does your wife take anti depressants? To me those drugs are the root of the divorce issue in the world today.