Working on a Trial Separation Agreement with MLC H

[Altair]

Hi cc,
sorry you are here. My MLCer up and decided how the separation was going to go-- got his own phone acct, bank acct, apt, everything, and left. Said he wanted us to see other people "to see how other women treat me" and when I said I didn't agree to this point because I was married he said "lots of people I know separated and see other people". It was never resolved (nor was anything else because he has basically disappeared from my life.) Like everyone else said he's probably going to do whatever he wants anyway so trying to control him might not work. But other people do employ ultimatums around here.

[peacetoday]

CC

Sounds like you are moving the right direction
separate as much of the finances as possible

He may flip as soon as the move takes place
he will be on his own and as was stated the MLCer has very poor skills in an adult world
Most will become terrible parents as time moves on as well

so the more you cover the better

also the MC may become sympathetic with the MLC..they are good liars and convince the counselor of their choice-especially if it is his IC
I witnessed that first hand

Im glad you are putting your life friends ect in place
it will help you during this transition

[AndrewP]

RE: the one day at a time idea...
Every night I take my wedding ring off and every morning I make a conscious decision about whether I want to wear it or not, rather than just permanently leaving it on. It is not something anyone else probably notices, but for me it is a way of being mindful about the fact that I am in control of myself and the direction I want to go in. More often than not, I put the ring on, but there are days where I don't - sometimes whole weekends where I don't. The choice is mine, that's what's important to me.

ccgrrl - Thank you for the visit to my thread and the kind comments. You seem like a very thoughtful person and your actions around how you are deciding day by day are in my mind very healthy.

I just wanted to touch base on your questions about a separation agreement since that seems to be the catalyst that has brought you to our little family here. Each jurisdiction is different but you need to be careful about cutting the other partner off from "marital assets". The advice of a lawyer would be invaluable here. Just make sure that when you go in that they don't waste time and your money filling out forms about how to put an agreement in place but instead instruct you on your rights and obligations. I can understand that being in the creative field that cash is tight but if you check there are often free consults available from most firms occasionally organized through their local law society. Social service agencies also often will provide you with information on resources. If in doubt, ask at your local family law court. Knowledge is power here. One key piece of knowledge from my own lawyer can be boiled down into 4 words. "Don't be an @ss". If you are tempted to do something, consider how it would look in court and then generally, don't do it.

For a "trial separation" you may not need to actually have any sort of formal agreement in place. Heck, my W has been gone for months and we have nothing at all in place and I've known of people who have gone for years without that. Presuming that your H is indeed going through some sort of crisis you can't count on them for anything. Especially anything rational or logical. That doesn't mean that you are obliged to do the heavy lifting though either. Keep a very careful eye on things. I get texts / emails on each transaction that goes through our bank account / credit card. Get your credit report usually available for free if you can and perhaps consider a credit monitoring service that will tell you if there are any enquiries.

As job so often writes to me - keep your expectations low. Don't expect him to be helpful in any of this and from what I've been advised a MLCr can often become quite antagonistic and obstructionist if pressed.

Good luck. Welcome to the last place you ever wanted to be. You are among friends.

[job]

I want to make one additional suggestion here, do not make ultimatums unless you are going to follow thru on your end if something isn't done to your liking. Ultimatums do not work w/MLCers and they generally will choose the easiest way of handling things, i.e., running, ignoring and/or filing.

If you have something that you need done, I suggest that you pose your "need" as a question whereby your MLCer can make the decision as to whether he/she wants to do something. They tend to more agreeable if you give them the option of saying yes or no.

If they do something for you, be sure to recognize their efforts and thank them. That goes a long way w/them.

[ccgrrl]

Thanks, HaWho.

What you say rings true here. I just kind of feel like since he really wants the separation or divorce (I believe so he can pursue this OW who doesn't want a physical relationship while he's married), I'm not sure how much I shoud be taking the lead on facilitating it. I mean, if he draws up an agreement and asks me about it, that's one thing - certainly, I will need to make sure it's to the family's advantage. But if he doesn't come to me about it, maybe I should continue with the in-house separation until he does and not rush into what feels like the next step toward a divorce.

[ccgrrl]

Thanks for sharing that, Altair. I think you're right... an ultimatum will only feel like more "pressure" and contribute further to that "trapped" feeling.

I have zero interest in seeing other people, but at the same time, I feel shaky on that. If I were to somehow meet someone who took my needs into account and treated me well (or just plain liked me as a person!), I can't say if I would be able to resist him because it is very lonely right now and I really don't like who my H has become. I am hoping it's temporary and that when he ultimately transitions into his new self we will be compatible, but I am really hurt by what he is doing and I'm just not sure I will be able to forgive him down the line....

[ccgrrl]

Gordie -
I really don't know. During the initial BD (10/23/16), he told me there were "people" who expressed interest in him. I really believe these "people" are actually one person whose identity he does not want to reveal to me. He doesn't tell me anything about her, just that she's more supportive because he gets "zero support from anyone around here" (even though the whole house was divided up differently to support his need for space, my children have to share a room now in order to give him his own room, I spend 95% of my time working on/thinking about his needs, and everyone has been walking on eggshells for months)

Because of the nature of our conversations and his complete willingness to say hurtful things to me, I do believe him when he says there's no physical relationship. In fact, he does not consider it an affair at all. But he did mention during couples therapy that "these people" are not comfortable getting involved on more than a platonic level while I'm still in the picture.

Although that was a bit of relief, I also know that anything can happen. When my H and I met he was the pursuer and was extremely persistent, even waiting outside my dorm room (in college at the time) after I came home from dates with others, so I think he will still try to pursue her, regardless of what her boundaries are. Hopefully, she will find that desperate and unattractive ;-}

[ccgrrl]

Thanks, AndrewP.
I am in Massachusetts, where there is actually no such thing as "legal separation" - here you are either married or divorced, so yes, the agreement does not need anyone to validate it other than the two of us. It also is not necessarily enforcable, for that reason. I just want it because when I talk to him (and our MC has witnessed this first hand) he does not hear what I'm saying, he hears a distorted view of it that is quite often the opposite of what I'm saying. However, so far, when I've emailed him, we've had more productive conversations because we can go back to what I actually wrote!

[job]

cc,

MLCers can imagine that there are people who are interested in him. For example, my xh thought that there were 4-5 women that were interested in him and at the end of the day, there was only one. If a person smiles at them or listens to what they say, many of them then think that the person is interested in them....not always the case. I would venture to say that there is only one person who is interested and he's telling her everything about him and the situation, which we all know that he should be talking to you about. She's stroking his ego, listening and validating and all of the time believing what he says...little does she know or care that some of what he's saying may not be true at all.

It's time to start thinking about your needs and the needs of your children. Why? Because no matter what you do or don't do, it will never be enough. You have to find a way to stop pretzeling yourself for him. It's time to take back control over your household and do what is best for you and the children. If he doesn't like it, too bad...but you and your children need to be comfortable in your own home. I'm going to suggest that you read HaWho's threads. She's got a man/child and she's been doing a great job in handling him while she had two children in the home.

When he starts to say hurtful things to you, stop him and say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and walk away. You are under no obligation to listen to that BS. If these people are not comfortable w/getting involved w/him while you are still in the picture, then they should cease all communication w/him. Sounds like he's trying to justify what he's doing, hoping that you'll get angry enough to pull the plug on the marriage...don't. If he wants out, then he should be the one to do the heavy lifting.

Keep the focus on you and your children.

[ccgrrl]

Thanks for connecting me to HaWho's threads, as our sitches seem so very similar. I am still working my way through all of it, but I feel very connected to her story, as it is in many respects the same story as mine.

I had a bit of an epiphany while shoveling a foot of snow off the driveway by myself. Maybe this is going to seem like "Duh?" but for me it was meaningful to suddenly see clearly that unless I want to cut and run, I am going to have to be sensitive to his needs while also not expecting him to meet any of my needs. I basically have another child in the house and I have to have my own adult life and address my own needs + those of the actual children in the house, and still be sensitive to his needs for space and autonomy. And yet, I can't for one minute think that this person—who had been my best friend since I was 18 y,o., (I'm 45 now)—will be willing or able to meet even one bit of my emotional needs.

Am I on the money with that?