Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #6]

[ForGump]

Does yours [have a strong sex drive]?.... Or is it in fact another drive that has an outlet via sex.

AP/LT--

I think having some understanding of my W's personality/character is important, because it's an important part of the bigger picture that is the marriage itself. I recognize that there is the danger of being too much of an armchair psychiatrist or focusing on and blaming just my W while missing the big picture.

What drives her sex drive? It has taken me a long time to understand -- and even now I don't fully understand it -- that her sexuality is driven by a different set of needs and impulses than mine. Not entirely different, but there are different components. For her, being desired and feeling desirable is an extremely important part of her drive. We all have that, but for her it's extreme to an unhealthy degree. This relates to my belief that she suffers from some form of borderline personality disorder. Someone with BPD has such a poor/empty sense of self, that being desired by another person (not just sexually but in all social connections) is immensely pleasurable and satisfying.

I'm not saying this means that's the only way my wife can enjoy sex. To the contrary, I suspect she does have her "type" she'd have better romantic and sexual chemistry with. And that person is not me. But her BPD made her fall in love with me (and me with her), despite the fact that I'm not really her "type." In other words, if she didn't suffer from BPD, I believe she probably would not have fallen in love with me. And possibly me not with her, because she was extremely alluring and easy to get along with while we were dating; but once we were married she was extremely difficult to get along with, prone to sharp and sudden anger, and displaying much anxiety about minor things in life (especially uncertainties, however trivial they might be), and some OCD-like behavior.

So, to come back to AP's original question, does she have a strong sex drive? I believe she does, in the plain sense. She does want it often, and she does enjoy it. But I may be the wrong type. Or maybe I am her type, but her need to be intensely desired just cannot be met by someone whom she already possesses.