My WW and the Great Sandi2 Experiment

[Chris73]

Traditionally, was it your W who saw to the needs of house cleaning? How many hours a week does she work outside the home?

Yes, my W was typically responsible for the majority of the housework. She works a range of 16 - 24 hours/week. Never more than that since S8 was born. It's always been a bit of a bone of contention between us... that I don't do enough, or at the very least, I'm not pro-active enough to take on some of the household responsibilities.

You are thinking of missing a week of work to clean the house. What is the real motivation or intent of your heart? Is it to help her, although she has neglected the conditions of the home? Is it to show her how negligent she has been...and now....YOU are missing an entire week of work to clean up and to take care of her work?

Six months ago, heck even 3 months ago I would have said that my motivation was the former. These days it's the latter. I feel like I've enabled the selfishness for too long by catering to her. It was my insecurity about her wanting to stay in the marriage that motivated me to do extra work. To "change my ways" even while knowing that it might be too late now.

But she told me on NYE that the only dominant feelings she has for me are anger and resentment. She looks around the house and everything she sees makes her feel angry and resentful. And I would bet that this anger and resentment even goes as far as our kids, even though she would NEVER admit it.

So lately my motivation in doing housework, finishing projects, fixing things and organizing the clutter around the house is to take ownership of it all. To not let my kids be affected by her negligence. To finally step up and be a man. But maybe also to help her let go of whatever might be keeping her from moving out. Maybe she needs to see that we'll be ok without her.

Are you so bothered by the conditions that it would be worth a week's salary to get the place clean? And, when it reaches this stage again, will you have to take off another week?

Well, it would probably only be one or two days and maybe a couple of work from home days (my commute is over an hour in each direction). And once I felt like things were under control. It would be easier for me to maintain them after resolving to the fact that I cannot count on her help anymore.

It's odd how it can affect you when you have emotional attachments to the person. I suspect in a MR, you could see their negligence and mess being symbolic to their present frame of mind.

I do see it that way. Just another example of how she has not handled this "awakening" appropriately. She's angry that she catered to everyone all her life (I'm just the most recent) and now she's trying to make up for it with 100% me time. Obviously a better way to do this would be to find a balance. If she insisted on more "me" time, I would have been happy to give it to her.

I don't know, maybe I'm interpreting this all wrong. Maybe it's the bourbon

My recommendation is to be your own best friend here. Whatever you do about the clean or don't clean, it is not going to affect the wayward mindset of your W. I hope you can detach emotionally from the mess you see around you.

This, in a nutshell is my biggest problem, and always has been. In the book I'm reading it says that "nice guys" are always dependent on the reactions/approval from others to validate their self-worth. And this is especially true in romantic relationships. I'm still not detached yet. It's getting a little better, but I'm still second guessing most of my actions. Always wondering what she's thinking. Is she's noticing the changes I've made? How does it make her feel?

Sandi2, I believe you and everyone else on this board that nothing I do is really going to affect her mindset. That I have to do things for myself. To regain my identity. But the reality is that my emotions just naturally respond the other way. I guess this is where "fake it til you make it" comes in. Or as darknes says:

You should be working towards your goals regardless of your feelings... Make a plan and stick to it. Don't act based on how you FEEL.

Coming to this board 2 or 3 times a day and posting is like an addict calling his sponsor when he feels weak. My W is right upstairs on the couch watching TV. I want to run up there and shake her and say, "WTF, snap out of it! Are you crazy? Why are you doing this?" and then hug her and hold her until she comes back to earth. And believe me, I've done this a few times over the past 7 months, and it's gotten me nowhere. It's actually made things worse.

So instead I've spent the last hour writing this post and sipping bourbon and it's gotten me past it. I am now tired enough to forget about my sitch for the next 8 or 9 hours. Thank you DB board! Tomorrow is a new day!