Help - Setting Boundaries, WW in EA - Thread #2

[Woke_Up]

Why are you so worried you will appear cold to the woman who is abusing or disrespecting you?

Good point. I had thought it was part of the technique to detach without being cold, but

Call it a truth dart, or whatever. I just think there is a time & place you have to show respect for yourself, when the other person is using you. But that's just me, and what's more important here is how did YOU respond?

As you may have guessed. I had sex with her. And a couple of night ago I initiated. I know it's not the right thing to do, I can't sex her into dropping the A, and psychologically thinking that I am one up on the EAP if she is still having sex with me, isn't healthy either.

Just for the record.....you don't have to 180 everything! IMHO, the LBS's show their pursuing side when they use the 180 technique as their excuse to do what their "feelings" are wanting. Practice learning how to be more proficient on other people, but not your W.

OK, I saw someone else say that also, recently. I will work my conversation skills on others. Also, other 180 actions.

Not saying I love you first - although I have been responding if she says it first? Unsure on this being a good idea.

No ILY's is no ILY's. It doesn't matter who says it first.

Right. I was not clear on that. DR and the 37 rules just said don't tell her ILY and nothing about how to respond. So if when says it, would you advise saying nothing, or making a comment regarding her A being at odds with that statement. She has also been saying it in text messages quite a bit recently.

Maybe it would be easier if you just told us how things have changed for her in the MR. Has she had to lose anything since her A started?

She now has to put up with me in the MBR. For now. That's about it. If anything, since getting my head together a bit more and stopping snooping, she has had it easier, as I am not blowing up with anger or bitterness.

No, she has not had to lose anything. There is nothing I can make her lose (materially) without it appearing punitive or controlling (as discussed previously - internet access, money, etc). She will lose the MBR. She has ordered another new bed - 3rd within 3 months - one ended up going to SS16, other she never used, will now be stored as 'not good enough' and now a third for her 'bad back'. This arrives on Tuesday. She will move room then. She has persuaded herself it is all to do with her need for sleep and me being a disturbance rather than anything to do with A.

What can she lose, non materially? My affection, my doing things for her still. This always seems a strange one, as there is still quid pro quo going on - she makes dinner, does laundry etc. Then again, you could say that is picking up her role as a SAHM. Anyway, the pushback will be that she doesn't do those things for me, and that is something that I can easily live with - I am more than capable of feeding myself and my family and of doing the laundry.

What am I not doing well:
1. detaching emotionally. I am still allowing myself to be temp checked regularly, responding to WW's signs of affections or ML.
2. Any sort of last resort or tough love
3. Applying firm but meaningful boundaries for MYSELF.

I don't think you can apply #2 as long as you are telling her you love her and having sex when she initiates....

In my mind, I know this. I have just been unwilling to take the steps to be tough, hoping I guess, that trying to make improvements to myself will eventually, maybe, make her realise that it would be madness to continue to pursue the OM - even though I know from people her and from DR that that should be a side effect, if lucky, not an actual aim of my improvements.

So......you can be her BFF, or have sex every night, or stand on your toes trying to do whatever she wants you to do, but there will be no change in her heart until those 3 (at least) areas have started showing evidence of change. At the very least, she needs to recognize it and be willing to do what is necessary to work through it to save the MR. It usually takes professional help to guide the couple back to a truly healthy place. Of course, she will need to end any and all inappropriate contacts.

Well all 3 elements are still apparent, and she shows no sign of ending contact. I have been wallowing again. Wallowing in pity for me, pity for her. Trying to improve myself, but without the application of any boundaries other than picking her up on it when she is disrespectful or about to start spewing. And not overly successfully even then.

No offense, but I think you are cherry picking just a little bit....and calling it personal growth.

None taken. You are right. Maybe not so much cherry picking as stopping at the first major area I come to (as I know it was a problem in the MR] and fixating on that. I will think harder and make a list of of areas to work on that are not related to WW.