I'm no expert but... This works! 4 years since BD

[SM34]

Gordie. The short version of the story is this:

Marriage deteriorated but I was sleeping at the wheel (as men do)

Wife was fighting me (which is a good sign in a marriage)

Wife stops fighting me (bad sign in a marriage)

Wife starts chatting with a "friend" on her phone

Things escalate quickly and BAM she wants out of marriage

In house separation

I learned and listened here. It was a painful process for all involved (Sandi2 etc..)

I knew as a guy that her OM was playing her. So it was only a matter of time and that R would be over. I needed to be the best person I could be when that happened. I needed to be the best option.

Started to sense it wasn't working out with OM. I knew he was going to cheat on her. Sat back and and worked on my issues and waited for her world to blow up.

Then, everything I thought was going to happen, ended up happening.

As far as how I turned the sitch around, I can't say for sure. But when wife and I talk about this episode of our lives now, she says these are the main things that made it easy for her to to re evaluate her actions and re prioritize. And you will recognize these principles from all the advise given on this board:

1) I never treated her badly, even when she was treating me badly. Not being a doormat, simply not closing the door.
2) I exhibited strength. I looked to be fine despite the situation.
3) She was constantly comparing OM with me, and I seemed to win every comparison
4) I took great care of our daughter. This made her realize more and more that she needed her family together.

there are more reasons but I can't remember them all right now. But they are ALL from what you would expect and ALL things you will do and do well if you listen to the folks here. Its like its all scripted and we all follow the same script.

One important point I want to make though....

At the end of our sitch, I knew her relationship with OM was going sour. I knew she was sitting on the fence, and cake eating. I was told I needed to do something to nudge her. I did do things but they were never aggressive enough. So it wasn't until she realized she was being cheated on by OM that she ended that and wanted to work on our marriage. So for a while I had feelings that "she only wanted me back AFTER OM was gone" when perhaps I could have FORCED a decision when I sensed what was happening. I'll never know...

coulda woulda shoulda does you no good in this situation. I am ok with that.